Lawlady's Divorce and Relationship Blog

Letter to Divorcing Clients: Resolving Long Standing Issues

Dear Clients,

Here are some philosophical consideration for you to write about and ponder.  Call this the homework for the softer side of resolving your conflict.  Give this section as much or as little weight as feels appropriate. I may be wrong, so I don't want you to take my words at face value. Chew on them a bit. Does any of this help, ring a bell, or otherwise move you forward or just feel annoying? 

 

Children are left with the life task of reconciling all irreconciable differences between the parents. I like to point to my high school friend's situation. Her parents had insurmountable issues between mom's Christianity and father's (and his family's) Catholicism.  I know that doesn't seem like a terrible problem but in the 1960s and 70s it wasn't a subject that the parents could discuss with sanity. The divorce occurred and the family had much heartache and fighting over Sunday school, confirmation, after-school Wednesday Catholic education, summer church camp.  It was ugly.  Today it seems like a wrong issue to fight over.  However it was heated then.  My friend was left in her early 20s to figure out religion for herself. She made up a hybrid solution.  She concluded Christians do go to heaven. It's horrid to fight over religion, and it is not a subject to discuss with another person if it results in a fight. Given what she saw in the parents behavior, she did not choose to attend Church as a grownup and chose to be spiritual instead.She did stick with holiday services when visiting her parents.The subject of religion engaged her during her 20s. She didn't start addressing her own unique issues until her 30s. 

Some parents do not believe that their unresolved conflicts are later resolved by the children. I've seen so many examples, I believe in this concept of inherited family issues. From my vantage point what happens is that the parents perceive no solution and that the other parent is wrong. Or, the parents do their best to just ignore it or find ok fixes that don't resolve and reconcile the deeper issue with a custom-fit integrated solution.   The children, having no choice but to be the reconciliators to these seemingly unsolvable problems, do eventually work out the issues for themselves.


The best solutions come when each parent makes a self-improvement, and then the parents find an intersection between themselves where a creative solution resides providing the best options and reducing the worst.   

The other next step for conflicted parents is to clearly see what the dynamics are between you that impact your children.  What will your children need to master/reconcile from the lessons they learn from each of you?  Said another way, what are the core values the children will gain from each of you.  What strengths are you each giving them?  With specific examples, how do these strengths clash?  If you brainstormed what might be a solution? This is where you go to the drawing board and try to see things freshly. If someone else solved your combined problem, what would they likely do? 

I'm sorry that things are so frustrating. I believe that the deeper purpose of divorce angst that occurs long into the process is to take us even further into our own healing and to further refine us as human beings.  You are both such likable and wonderful people.  I know that you can transmute your troubles into an outstanding co-parenting team. You've got such good hearts, intelligence, and excellent rapport with your children. I know you've got the raw talent to have a loving and highly evolved post-divorce family system.  Don't give up.  You can get there.  I'm rooting for you.   

Lame Post, Skip this One!

I'm working from home more lately and I'm liking it alot.  I can weave between doing laundry and talking with clients;  or shopping and typing documents.  I think humans do better with variety and movement in the day.  Working from home provides me with this. 

I also like the efficiency of going to the office and having no distractions.  It's a change of pace if homelife becomes boring. 

I have little to say to the world this morning.  I'm back to the blogger dilemma:  is it better to blog when you have zip to say or wait until something is ready to burst? 

Life is so busy right now for me.  I'm an introverted person so I need copious amounts of time to process and reflect.  I'm also extremely extroverted, so my test scores on a Myers Briggs test put me right in the middle of the two teams. 

I'm hosting a party/networking event next week.  I love being alone. Writing gives me a sense of being alone.   It's here that I refresh and come up with new material and think through client situations. 

I've decided I am a daily blogger.  Just now.  As I was sitting around thinking I had nothing to say.  So in that spirit, I'm going to hold off posting this mediocre post until tomorrow morning (I'm ahead by one) and see if something else better doesn't come forward instead.  Otherwise, this will go live tomorrow at 10. I've decided 10 am is my favorite post time. So you can look for new material then. 

This is the year of being disciplined and brilliant, according to most Western astrologers. That's because Uranus the signs of inventions, the future, forward thinking, insights, clarity,  originality and authenticity is opposite Saturn the old man, hermit,  hard worker, leader, structure and order creator of the zodiac.   It's time to buckle down and do the work necessary to get our lives and world on track but its also the time to open up to cosmic good ideas.  The future meets the past. 

We need to adhere to structures, plans, strategies that keep our labors useful and purposeful.  Meanwhile we need to accept those brilliant insights that come our way showing clearly the easiest and most amazing path.  It's an exciting time to be alive.   A gynormous shift is occurring (look around and you'll see it everyone).  Be part of the adventure. 

Sharing the Burden

I lost my new Iphone. I was stressed out, running around the house cleaning like the comic relief in a Shakespeare play.  I left the cell on the hood of my car and 30 minutes later when I was trying to leave the house I couldn't find it. I checked pretty much everywhere except the top of my car. It was just about the worst place to leave it.  There goes $500 to buy myself a new one.  There is a GPS application you can download to help you find your phone in such a situation.  I didn't know about that service.  But even if I did, I might not have gotten around to installing it.  Just like I haven't purchased AAA Roadside Assistance, or copied and buried a key outside my house, or found a very reliable computer back up system. 

Life is so complex anymore. Who has time to crash proof their life?  And eat healthy and have fun, and make a difference? 

All the more reason we should be living in urban tribes.  Share the burden.  Let one person sign everyone up for AAA.  Let one person clean the house and the other bury the backyard key. 

I'll fork over the $500 for another cell phone.   

Impossible Divorce Situations

I've got a few couples facing the same issue right now.  It's post-divorce and things are still not going well with co-parenting.  One person's timely;  the other is not. One is lax about food choices;  the other believes it's imperative for health to cut wheat and sugar.  One believes it's ok to leave a 15 year old at his girlfriend's house as a form of backup babysitter; the other sees this as the route to early grandparentdom. 

I'm trained in different modalities to help resolve conflict:  listen for agreements, instill hope about the possibility of settlement, get them to brainstorm, do reflective listening. 

But, I was grouchy today (I ate fast food and that always leaves me edgy).  I was just coming off hosting a guest for five days and I'm slightly introverted.  So my sense of optimism for my 3 couples was low. 

As I was shopping for mashed potatoes and gravy (truth in blogging here) I contemplated a different way for the couples.  Here is my advice for resolving conflict born out of two very different people doing things very differently.   

Children are the reconciliators of conflicts their parents are not able to resolve between themselves. For example, my friend from high school was the one to sort out the issue of Catholisism and generic Christianity.  Her parents couldn't work out the difference, but she did.  She found a blend that satisfied both camps. 

I'm sure the children of my couples will work out a solution to timeliness, accountability, appropriate sexual boundaries, and the other issues the parents don't resolve.  The parents will cobble a solution together, but I doubt they are going to dive deeply into the topic of their mutual unrest.  Why should they?  If it were me I probably wouldn't care to spend extra time (my valuable, precious life energy) working something out with someone who drives me nuts.  I don't always take that path in my own life. 

But it might be the right way.  To ask ourselves and each other the pressing questions: 

•  What is the best course, and

•  How are both of our opinions valid and how can we chart a course that honors each. 

I suspect my clients, and most clients in mediation, believe they are right. And that are accurate. We do see the faults of others clearly.   But we can go one step further and make the inquiry: 

•   Assume we are both right, how do we weave and integrate both threads of truth into a reality and future that is stronger because of the two opinions? 

Integrative mediation, or transformative mediation, seeks to bridge the gaps in understanding with a new way, a new road, a new .... perspective.  But this is so much work.  Simple little conflicts, especially lingering ones that failed to resolve in marriage, can sit on a huge hidden icebergs of stuck energy and coagulated opinions.  It's not just his tendency to be 45 minutes late or her over-reactivity to his giving the kids some candy.  It's about how the whole western world eats, and the stress of modern life, and freedom verses practical things like teaching the kids to be responsible and to be where they say they will be on time. 

These are discourses that the ancient Greek philosophers may have spent hours or days contemplating. 

In a traditional culture, say a Native American culture, the elder statesmen might have contemplated the issue for you thereby removing some of the responsibility and duty off your shoulder.  Kwowing and loving wise men and women might have decided your fate and informed you of the best course of action, reducing your conflict and getting you into action.

We don't have such a comprehensive solution anymore.  Who knows you and your family so intimately and has the structure and time to provide a comprehensive solution?

In the united-villages future of planet earth, we could hope for such good social solutions. 

In the meantime, the best thing for parents would be to enter the abyss of conflict, stay open to evolution and cook the concepts until they've created a wonderful new solution for themselves, their children and ultimately the world.  If that doesn't work, hashing out something less-then-terrible that both can agree to may be the next best hope.

But it doesn't satisfy that much.  It's a next best solution. 

Our Civic Duty to Do Something Far Out with Ourselves

That man wrote me again. 

"I was reading your website.  You sound crazy.  Why should I hire you?  You shouldn't be talking about all these other subjects. You should be focused on doing legal work and telling us about the law." 

Well my first comment goes to why are you reading my blog then Sir if it offends you and is off topic? 

My second concern is that he might be right.  Potential clients might be better off going to a lawyer who lives, breathes and dreams in legal concepts. 

But with family law, I'm not so sure that is a healthy sign.

If a lawyer repeatedly finds that the client's problem so captivating, there is a very strong risk that the lawyer is going to (a) burn out, (b) over identify and  shave years off his life from emotional upset, or (c) be painfully tedious. 

I'm all for a healthy dose of focus and discipline at the day job.  I just consider my blog, my second job.  I've decided it's what I can do to contribute to the betterment of our world. 

As you may be aware from reading me recently, I think it's every American's duty to be pulling two shifts right now.  One for yourself (to pay the bills, feed the family, buy yourself some opulent spa service) and one for the world (selfless contribution of what only you can contribute best- be that day care services, picking up garbage from a highway, or making way-cool model airplanes, because hey... you're the Model Airplane King.)

In every other time in American history (since I know Jack about history I might be fudging here), when we were at war, we all made a sacrifice.  We cut back at home. We cut coupons, we ate less sugar.  We sent our young men to be killed via a draft. 

Even if we weren't at war with another country, we are at war against ignorance, greed, and lethargy. Pick your battle. There are enough of them going on.  Certainly you can find one you will enjoy to enlisting in. 

We should coop the military's recruitment slogan:  An Army of One.     Let's all be An Army of One.  Pick a battle we want to fight, and fight it.

Personally I'm fighting the battle of fat. 

My Career Transition Entitlement Program Circa 2027

I feel a profound sense of urgency that we must get all of America properly situated doing their right work.  I don't mean this just on the economic level or on the personal finance level because it will be devastating if Americans aren't working. 

I mean it on a save-the-planet level.

You've got Al Gore talking with the world experts and concluding, we've got to reduce carbon emissions and stop using up so much fossil fuel.   You've got biologists crying as they video tape the last few members of extincting species.  We have shit-bag parents beating their children into yet another generation of alcoholism, crime and unhappiness.  We have uglier, grayer cities blighting the beautiful landscape.  We have mental midgets getting away with inflicting horrible social policies on the rest of us.

Geez.  It's gross out there. 

And yet... according to Paul Hawkin in Blessed Unrest there is a silent epidemic of health permeating our culture world wide.  Like a healthy bacteria rising up to save the day.  Small signs of healing all over the globe from rag-tag groups fighting big oil  to incarcerated persons learning Buddhist Meditation.    

The world is turning as much in a positive direction, as it is turning in a bad one. 

The good guys need all hands on deck, working hard, making a hopeful contribution. 

One of the best ways to turn this planet around is to get people doing what they should be doing.  If I was La Dona Economic Adviser Ministere to some hoighty-toighty arm of the international government, I would be creating a job placement bureau. But not an average bad one.

I'd want one that really nails people's skill, passion and talent. 

If you want to be a TV reporter, but you never finished college, and don't have a solid work history to your name.... So what, be a reporter. 

So what, if you never studied medicine, your in your late 50's.  Who cares?  You can be a medical provider if that's what you'd really want to do. We can make it happen.  Someone needs some medical attention of some kind somewhere.  You can do that.

Why do we make the barriers into a career so hard?  Then once ensconced into a profession, it's like cement forcing you to stay. 

We need much more flexibility to more over into other work, and support doing that fragile transition.

I say all Americans deserve a Free Change of Career Support Package at least a few times in a life time.  If we're going to be living until 80 or 90 routinely,  we can use a career transition protocol that allows the naturally curious and dynamic human to move around and continue contributing fresh, zealous labor for the betterment of everyone.

Whew.   Take a note Secretary Administere.  We've got a world to change. 

Fast. 

Dying species need us. 

Do you want Lawlady to be Red or Green?

I've been struggling with the Lawlady website.  Lavender and eucalyptus the color of 1990s spas and Lawlady Inc are, alas, out-of-date.  I want to do all sorts of crazy things like turn the logo into a giant red edifice.  Two months ago,  I was sure the new site would be herb green with black & white. 

Choices, choices, choices.

The world will drive us mad with choices.  Do you the reader and my future legal consumer really care if my site is red or green? 

I'll just want to turn it pink in a year anyway. 

We've become so disposable in our culture.  We can't stay happy with anything for very long. 

Maybe if I could adapt to fewer choices, I could settle down to fruits, vegetables and rice and rid my body of unwanted fat pounds.  Maybe you could eliminate 3 or 4 TV shows from your weekly line up and carve out time for romance with your wife.  Maybe he could stop pestering everybody at the office and settle down to get some (much needed) work done.

We all need to reign it in a bit.  Maybe just pick a stupid website color and move on. 

As my step-father used to say with such drama and annunciation, "Aaaagonizzzzeeee."   Shall we agonize less and just move on?

We've got compelling issues to deal with.  Daylights a wasting.   

Why blog about neck fat?

A nice gentleman wrote me an email asking what neck fat and face tape has to do with divorce.  "Aren't you a divorce attorney?  Shouldn't you be sticking with legal topics?"

Very excellent question, Mr. Inquiring Man. 

My answer:  "Divorce is hard.  It's refreshing to focus on something more upbeat like neck fat." 

Way to Go Inventors of Face Tape

Still obsessing over fat-neck photos,  I had a revelation.  We need face tape to suck back the neck fat when you get your picture taken.  I thought I had invented this product, but a quick Google search revealed I was wrong. 

According to Peculiar Beauty, there already is a face tape to elieviate the droopy chin look:   

For the chin life the gauze of tape should be attached just below and behind the ear lobe.  Again, pull the elastic up tight and tie at the back of the head.  You can sew hooks and eyes on the ends of the elastic if you know the exact length you need.

I think all seasoned masters of photography should carry this product in their travel bag.  No woman over 40 should have to be photographed without at least being given the option to artificially restrain yourself for better visual appeal. 

Journal Question for the Night

It feels delicious to be back writing.  I forgot who I was for, oh, say 1.5 years when I wasn't writing.

Have you ever done that?  Sort of left yourself by the side of the road while you headed off to try some other way of being?  It's nice for a while to try being something else.  The thrill of  new is refreshing.  But it's so nice to come home to where you belong. 

Finding the right niche in life is a balancing act.  That's why I like the Tao so much.  It's a middle approach. You can have the new, with the comfort of some of the old as well. 

If I was your writing teacher, I'd have you write your nightly journal entry on the subject "home turf."   Where do you slip into that comfort zone?  How can we keep you there more often?  What is your "home turf?"