Letter to Divorcing Client: Power Woman Facing Legal Nightmares

Dear Client,

I was thinking about you this morning on my power walk at the mall.  I noticed the poster of the teenage video-game babe with a blow torch at the gaming store.  I thought of that cable show Zena: Warrior Princess.  Then I thought about bullies at school and how they tend to gang up when they sense someone is nervous around them, and how important it is for the bully's victim to get clear with boundaries and fight back- on some level, not necessarily brute strength.  

 

I know that it can feel horrible to have someone be abusive, or pick on you.  It completely sucks to be stuck in a life situation where there is conflict.  There are few things that feel worse.  You spend your time wishing to be teleported to another time zone of your life.  Learning to stand up and fight for something is a horrible learning stage that in a more evolved world we wouldn't have to do. People would just be decent and we could all get along. 

 

But as much as it comes with awfulness, there is a power and sense of integrity and strength that comes with dusting yourself off and saying, "OK" I'm ready to fight."  You need to focus deep inside.  Some people find this focus comes with connecting to God and knowing that ultimately everything will be OK so there is nothing to fear. Others rely on external coaching, or a practice such as a self defense class where they fight off an attacker dressed in a padded suit.  The skills they learn battling a mock-abuser are the same skills they need to stand up to a real-life bully.  

 

Other people go about facing the challenge of conflict and mental health disorders of their spouse or ex-spouse by facing their own demons:  not feeling good enough, having lousy abusive parents, or other heart-injuring events that create a sense of weakness and defeat.  Some people must slog through their own sad, victimized histories before finding a noble fighter inside.  

 

On an energetic level, I've seen so many cases turn around once a person connects with that power/warrior/fearless/courageous energy.  It's almost instantaneous.  Since we're social creatures- very much like a herd of horses-  we probably connect on the same psychic information highway.  When you change your mental focus others pick up on the change even if we don't say much.  

 

One of the best things I ever heard Oprah say related to law was a story about her Texas cattle rancher trial.  She was accused of defaming the beef industry for saying red meat is high in fat and leads to high cholesterol.  She learned of  Dr. Phil and hired him as her trial coach.  One bleak day during trial he told her, you can't sit around being all upset about being sued.  The trials a fact you have to deal with. And, "if you don't get your head in the game, they are going to hand you your ass on a platter."  Basically, he was saying that sometimes in life we have to step up and fight with all we've got. If you aren't used to having to fight it sucks, and can be lead to biting your fingernails and sitting up worrying at night.  Or, you can say "well, this is my life now and by God I'm going to do an excellent job."

 

That's my hope for you. That you'll dig in, get aggressive and be a bit mean.   Hold tight and make a positive change in your children's lives.  I hope you find that inner Gal of Steel and feel as powerful as Zena Warrior Princess, or Erin Brockovich (a great movie if you haven't seen it).  Making that internal switch to Power Woman will be an amazing, bracing transition. 

 

At the highest level, litigation, trials, and court appearances, give us an opportunity to learn how we handle conflict, stress, and self defense.  As with all trying situations, whether that be aging parents, cancer, lost child to miscarriage, or bankruptcy, life sometimes goes rough.  The real test at those points is... Can you learn the new skills necessary to succeed. 

 

No matter what way you decide to handle things (and there are many).  The most critical point is to wake up to the cold water of life being splashed in your face and say to yourself, "OK, I'm going to pick up the pace, clear the cobwebs out of my head, and put 100% into making this situation turn out alright."  There are many role models and sources of support.  But if you look to someone else to provide the necessary adrenaline and fight, you lose something in the process.  You lose the ability to know for certain that you gave it all you have.  And, really, the best outcome is the one that happens when you are fully prepared to do what it takes (even if that is to look your own fears and make peace with your fearful self).  No one cares more than you about your life.  Thus, your vote and intention and time and attention matter the most. 

 

I understand that this email may seem to stray a bit beyond "law", into the motivational/self help realm.  The problem is... so many of the keys lay just a tad outside my specific lawyer job domain but without this other piece, my job with helping you win becomes more difficult.  I want you to have the benefit of thinking and responding differently because ultimately most of your situation can we swayed by these things within your control. Much more so than my efforts alone can provide, or the efforts of any lawyer.  It's a lie that lawyers tell that we have that much power to effect your cases outcome than the power you have to effect the outcome.  

 

If any of this resonates with you and helps you figure out who you are going to be in this litigation process, great. If not, then ignore anything or everything I'm saying. These thoughts came to me as I walked four times around the Northgate Mall. 

 

Many blessings Power Warrior.  May you plan cunning and articulate attacks to bring your children to safety!!

      

Comments

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[Translation]

The theme of the article is good. Sometime you need to step up and fight. I agree, but too many times people put their anger of the situation into a massive legal fight. The fight wastes too much time and too much emotional capital. Negotiation and compromise are effective strategies. This should always be in the starting point in life. Fundamentalism and absolutes are the cause of many bad situations and this can be avoided.

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thanks for the very informative article

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Good morning. Great post and great information. Family law litigation can be extremely stressful for those personally involved. As legal professionals, we have to be compassionate and extremely empathetic.

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Good morning. Great post and great information. Family law litigation can be extremely stressful for those personally involved. As legal professionals, we have to be compassionate and extremely empathetic.

[Chuck Lawyers]

What a great wake up call for anyone that is thinking of getting a US divorce, With cheap lawyers looking to make a easy kill, to nasty soon to be x's trying to get more than there fair share of the family assets, you nailed it right on the head. A great pep talk for soon to be divorcées

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Good stuff Law Lady. We are definitely in one of the most stressful, yet rewarding professions ;)

Best to you,

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The best e-mails and advice sometimes come from empowering the other to simply just do it. There's a reason why trials are called as such, and that is to test one's mettle in the face of adversity, to overcome all obstacles and to emerge victorious. I hope people who get to read this entry understand the value of inner strength and confidence to carry on with the battle.

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A divorce is traumatic for everyone involved and even for those who are not, it should be avoided at all costs unless of abuse or either you are just decided that you can nolonger live together.

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Divorce is not favored by anyone but sometimes the situation become so out of control that there is no other option except divorce. It is very tough for both the partners to cope up with the stress and alienation that occurs with this transition.

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You really have a brilliant idea on this post about divorce. Yes a divorce will change your situation but will the change be what you want or expect? If you have kids there's a good chance they will become upset, even deeply so.

[Anna]

I read this and I thought, "I keep fighting, and fighting but it feels like I'm drowning". How do I fight an abusive man and a judge who throws me out of my house that I bought? How do I fight when he takes my money and the lets him? How do I fight when I'm homeless and scared and the ones who should give me justice are so intent on cruelty? If anyone would like to hear the full story...http://lyingwithstrangers.wordpress.com/2011/08/20/elizabeth-castilleja-the-unjust-law/

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very good & knowledgeable post, keep it up !!

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Oh the bloodsport of divorce litigation - knowing when to be offensive vs. defensive. It seems like those persons who are offensive do better, but knowing when to use either strategy is key. Persons who are overly aggressive can anger a judge or turn down a good deal because they let their emotions get away with them. Persons who are too passive often will get steamrolled.