Lawlady's Divorce and Relationship Blog

Sorority Gal at a Southern Firm in the 80's

Below is an article I wrote for the blog, Ms. JD.   It's personal and serious, so if you prefer more legally-neutral content, you can skip this blog entry. 

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I just discovered your site. It's great. Maybe someday I could be one of your featured bloggers. 

I've been practicing for 18 years now. Early in my career,I worked at a medium sized firm where we got drunk at Friday night happy hours, hot-tubbed with partners at the annual firm retreat, and were put into a "co-ed singles condo" when attending mandatory out-of-town CLEs. My section's head partner informed me the firm would likely fire an unwed pregnant lawyer because of the negative impact on the firm's reputation. I was given a GI Joe as a birthday gift by one of my two direct-report partners.

They told me I didn't have a long term future with the firm at my three-year mark with the firm, unless I showed real effort and brought my 2200-hour pace up to 2300. I was barely making the minimum required hours and not showing that extra "oomph." This speech was given to me by my other direct-report partner. The one who also commented to me, "I trust you so much more, now that I know you are a real woman," as I laid in his arms cuddled up at the aforementioned "co-ed singles condo" at the mandatory CLE. Evidently, kissing him again (he forgot our kisses that summer I clerked for the firm) showed him something important about my character he wasn't noticing from my work performance during the week.

Did I mention the 21-buff-guy photos cut out and taped in hidden places around my office for me to find, a variation of the Easter-egg hunt? Was it a full man, or just the penis, attached to the mouth part of my phone? The truth is I genuinely laughed that day. I thought it was funny. Only now do I realize I would have been better served by having those men -in their 30s and 40s- model appropriate treatment of woman. I came from a background with questionable lessons about correct male/female interactions and would have benefited from being around sexually-neutral men. Was I laughed at, not with, those first years of my career?

I didn't sue them. In fact, I was young and thought most of the sexy, naughty stuff at the firm was fun. I was fresh out of the sorority, so drinking and getting loose seemed natural and grown up. But it continued with other woman as well. There was my associate friend who had her knees bitten under the table by the managing partner as he pretended to be a dog at the Mexican restaurant. She kicked him. I guess the margaritas got to him.

This occurred in the south. When I moved back to Seattle, I found the environment more tame, or perhaps I just worked at a staid firm. I've heard it existed here as well.

Things are different now with my work. I have an all woman firm (by accident, not by intention). The energy feels clean, healthy and supportive. But I will admit that the sex-stuff crops up. One employee brought a "sex-strology" book to work to share. Periodically I find myself saying, "hostile work environment-stop the discussion" as someone launches into a raunchy story about the weekend. Sexuality is part of human nature. The trick is to cordon off that energy from the work place. It's a slippery incline. Where does talking about wedding plans deviate into inappropriate talk about the honey-moon?

I've tried to tell this story about the early harrassment once before- to a classroom of law students- when I was invited to speak at solo-career day. Curiously, I was not asked back to speak. Maybe I was considered "off topic."

Thank you for listening. It's hard to want to speak, and then not find the right audience who can appreciate the humor and poignancy of the story. I hope to convey it wasn't 100% awful and that's the irony of it all.

Where the Big Legal Gossip is Posted

OK-- If you want to read behind the scenes news and gossip about the world of law, check out Above the Law .  It covers "the profession’s most colorful personalities and powerful institutions, as well as original commentary on breaking legal developments."

Woman and the Law

Here is a seminar I would like to speak at next year:  Legally Female:  What Does it Mean to Be Ms. JD? , hosted by Yale law school and the blog Ms. JD , at the end of March 2007.  The speakers addressed what it is like to be a woman practicing law, and an investigation as to whether the legal profession is essentially a male profession.  Be sure to check out the MS. JD blog. It's got a line-up of guest authors that include several judges. It's newsy and rich with content. 

I Institute the Cultural War of Improved Social Skills

Powerful times right now, astrologically speaking.  If you disbelieve then I ask you, are these powerful times in your life or for the world?  Maybe what is important is that we all agree that things feel rough.  The planet is suffering from a bit too much modernization and could use a step back in gas emissions, and other causes of global warming.  Maybe we should all be focusing on finding solutions to sustainable living.  Do we really need to throw out so many computer parts and other debris of advanced civilization? 

On my personal wish list is a cultural war of peace on the middle east and at home.  As Americans we made coke, McDonald's hamburgers and movies household worlds just about everywhere in the world.  Couldn't we also export beneficial psychological and social principles as well?  What about, "When you feel angry, use 'I' statements!"  Or, "When you want to kill the other person, maybe what you are feeling is a projection and you do some things that aren't nice too." 

Ken Wilbur, the social philosopher, says we are always evolving and everyone is at a personal edge.  I'd like to see all those Oprah-and-Dr. Phil-watching-people ship oversees the knowledge they have been accumulating for decades.  "Hey Terrorists, I hear you are hurting.  I hear you don't like our way of living.  If I were in your shoes, I can imagine myself feeling angry too.... When I'm angry, I like to look underneath the anger to find the hurt.  Do you hurt?...."

Politicians too could learn a few things.   In collaborative law we learn how to start up a meeting putting an issue on the white-board.  "Today we want to find a win/win resolution to _________."   The group fills in what they want to work on next.  They assume there is a win/win outcome and roll up their sleeves willing to contribute their unique gifts and skills to make it happen.   It's assumed everyone has something valuable to contribute, and all concerns are legitimate concerns.  When the option of fighting is taken away, that's when the creative juices flow and people find the new, and formerly hidden, way out of the problem.   

My voice sounded hokey or canned to me as I typed this last paragraph.  As if I've said those words a few too many times. 

That's my dilemma tonight.  Big things are in the air. We are called to be our best right now.  Am I being my best? 

Would the world be better served if I got out of this lovely office house at 68th and Roosevelt and hit the road to report on things I see and cross pollinate ideas across many different segments of the population?  Do I get married and move to a smaller town and teach college?    Is leading the wonderful Kithe meeting this morning pushing other lawyers to collaborative excellence enough contribution, and the best donation of my gifts and skills to the collective good?

Do we hunker down here at Lawlady Inc for the long haul, and work on the next phase of expansion into low-income client services. That who has been calling us lately seeking advice.  People who can't pay much with serious conflicts.  I imagined a legal clinic way back in 1997 when I first thought of the brand.  Is now the time for that?

Are you thinking things like this tonight?  I tell you somethings in the air over here.  Are you breathing the same air?

Many blessings to our troops oversees.  Particularly Officer McCaffrey.   I miss you.   

ADR Blog

Law students and bloggers interested in mediation and other forms of dispute resolution should visit ADR Blogs. This site is trying to be the jump site for ADR on the web.

Divorce Blog

If you like reading divorce blogs from people who have been through the experience, try Pat's Divorce Blog.  I particularly like her celebrity blog section. 

A Critic Speaks Out Against Collaborative Law

A  reader posted a comment about her dissatisfaction about collaborative law and Pauline Tesler, the mother of the collaborative law movement.  Many others would disagree with the reader's comment (See comment to my April 3 blog entry Where to Go for the Latest on Collaborative Law).  If you are interested  her website is at Narcissistic Abuse.

I've been sitting here at the computer trying to think up a response to the reader.  I'm at a loss for how to respond.  The reader seems strong in her opinion against Tesler.  Tesler has worked hard to train litigators how to de-claw themselves and stop doing damage to families.  But yet, the reader is pointing to legitimate gripes about collaborative process that practitioners need to be aware of to avoid having similar unhappy clients. 

Check out the website and make your own choice/opinion.

Thank you reader for sharing.  (I still think collaborative law is best for most situations). 

Where to Go for Divorce Comfort

Seattle Beginning Experience is a church-based all-volunteer divorce and grief support group that hosts twice a year weekend retreats for people who've lost a spouse through death or divorce. There are not many support services geared to the divorcing population, so this one is providing a much needed niche service.  The cost is $180 and this includes housing at the Gold Bar retreat center and five meals.  They also include a class series as well, if a weekend retreat is not for you.

If this church organization is not your cup of tea, Center For Spiritual Living offers a grief and loss support group and a difficult relationship support group (which can include divorce).