Lawlady's Divorce and Relationship Blog

Some Liberal Recommendations

I have a dearly beloved ex-boyfriend who is in the army, so I hate to be critical of the military out of respect for him.  But... honestly, I think that the Iraq war is a mistake.  Tonight's movie confirmed it.  If you have the chance, go see The Ground Truth.  It's a documentary of interviews of Iraq soldiers speaking about their personal experiences, and footage from the war. 

While there, I met Bennett Marks, host of the Thursday 5:00 P.M. radio show called Empowerment Radio , a show dedicated to discussing the issues and giving you options for next steps. His  blog  claims the show is "where the edge of insights meets the resolve to be in action."   He's actually experienced wire tapping and email spying by someone... the government?  Rather than provide fear-based media, he's trying to talk intelligently about issues with world-class experts and theorists and provide enough ideas about what people can do to make a difference so that listeners don't have to fall into despair but are rather energized into action.  He comes from a business and coaching background, so his perspective is not as a serial pundit or journalist. He's a person who's used to creating positive outcomes in the world for the companies he worked for and the clients he's motivated.  My guess is that his show is having a meaningful impact on the world.

Catch him at 1150 AM on Thursdays during drive time on your way home from work.  And see The Ground Truth- it's compelling.   (You too Sean). 

Valentine Sentiments 2007

Happy Valentine's Day 2007.

I just talked a client off the ledge of telling his wife he wanted a divorce tonight after work.  "Do you want a fork in the eye at dinner?"  I asked.  "She is a hot-headed woman," he replied.  "Valentine's Day is a bad day to announce divorce," I advised. 

He's decided to wait a week.

Meanwhile, we hosted a client lunch today at Lawlady Inc and presented our eligible bachelor of the year award.  I'll reserve telling his name here, to protect his privacy, but when possible we ladies at Lawlady Inc like to help foster new love along. We actually toy with the idea of starting a second branch of Lawlady Inc.   The dating segment of our practice.  Our motto:  we get you in, we get you out.

Valentine's day is an anecdote for divorce.  Too much divorce can result in a jaded attitude toward love.  I know it is hard for a divorcing person to hold on to the idea that love cures and makes life worth living for.  It's easy to fall into the mental trap that love is an accident waiting to happen.  With break up and divorce, it is easy to think of love and marriage as a hollow promise. 

_________

I am curious about the origins of Valentine's Day.  I see shades of Valentine's day in the more ancient Celtic/pagan tradition of Imbolc, traditionally celebrated on February 1 honoring the return to light and Brigid, the Goddess of healing, poetry and smithcraft (working with metal).  What does healing, poetry and metal work have in common?  I can see the relationship of poetry and healing to Valentine's Day.  Secret admirers, friends letting you know they care, romantic love given poetic voice. Those are things of traditional Hallmark Valentine's day.  But ironwork?  A grill for your front gate?   

Wikipedia speculates ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine's_Day) that the origin of the Valentine's day holiday is related to the law courts for the rituals of courtly love.   According to that on-line dictionary,

a 'High Court of Love' was established in Paris on Valentine's Day in 1400. The court dealt with love contracts, betrayals, and violence against women. Judges were selected by women on the basis of a poetry reading.

The earliest surviving valentine dates from 1415. It is a poem written by Charles, Duke of Orleans to his wife. At the time, the duke was being held in the Tower of London following his capture at the Battle of Agincourt.

It is probable that the various legends about St. Valentine were invented during this period. Among these legends:

• On the evening before Valentine was to be martyred for being a Christian, he passed a love note to his jailer's daughter that read, "From your Valentine."
• During a ban on marriages of Roman soldiers by the Emperor Claudius II, St. Valentine secretly helped arrange marriages.

Somewhere lodged in my brain (which makes me believe I heard it somewhere, sometime) is the idea that in older agricultural times (possibly in Celtic areas) February was the time of year when weddings occurred.  The season was dark. Not much was going on. The planting season had yet to begin.  It was a time sweetened with the promise of new love.  Families, less stressed with work, could prepare and celebrate a wedding.  February 14th would have been a typical day for marriage.  A good day to celebrate love.

I still believe it is... 700 divorces later.  The promise divorce gives you is that you will love again.  Through divorce you create more room to love someone else-  better, deeper and richer.  Therapist Jeff Shushan says that a law of human relationships is that your next relationship will always surpass your former ones in terms of maturity, integrity and quality. You get a new relationship equal or better to the one you last left.  You know more now and hence you can go deeper into commitment and relationship than you did before.  Your capacity for intimacy has been honed by the previous relationship. 

So, for those of you who are divorced, divorcing or caught in a relationship that feels stifling this Valentine's day, you can still celebrate love. You can celebrate it's amazing power to flow regardless of external circumstances and it's ability to expand your heart's capacity for good, if you will simply acknowledge this river of emotion that flows through your heart without effort. 

On Valentine's day if you don't have a particular romantic  partner, you can still practice the art of caring by connecting to an inner urge for compassion and then acting in that impulse.  Allow yourself to have a crush on someone.   Foster a secret dream.  Notice what attracts you and take a step forward to it.  We can all smile and radiate an essential quality from our core that respects others and shines a hopeful attitude into the world.  Beaming good vibes (to quote 1960s language) is the equivalent to sending an anonymous valentine to the world.  What you give, comes back to you. 

Happy heart day to you. 

If you don't like this day; don't like cake, chocolates and mushy blog entries, you too can celebrate the tradition:  Be thankful you aren't getting divorced and your spouse has hired the best attorney in town.  We know that can mean.

   

Criticism of Collaborative Divorce

If you want to read a good criticism of collaborative law check out Linda Roberson's article. I disagree, but her article aimed at promoting cooperative law over collaborative law is well written and raises points to consider in determining which method is right for you. 

Divorce Litigants Go Too Far

                   The Blog Mommy Go Bye-Bye  comments today about a Virginia family attorney who-- get this-- threw a party at a church daycare on behalf of his client, an alledgely spouse-abusing father seeking custody of his son in order to garner the support of the daycare workers.  Basically, he wanted the daycare staff  to testify against the child's mother and believed that plying them with food and beverages would help endear his client and the legal matter to them enough so that they would show up to court to testify.  I'm paraphrasing the article.

I'm assuming that this wasn't a genuine, heart-felt action by the righteous side in the divorce.  The way Mommy Go Bye-Bye sites the facts, it's a demonstration of unscrupulous litigant tactics at the expense of a small child. 

Some attorneys treat litigation as war and will push the envelope hard to win what the client is requesting.  That's why the collaborative model can be so much more effective.  How is a court to know the truth with battling experts and shaded truth?  If both parents are voluntarily relying on the same child advocate for input about parenting, they both are incentivized to show their best self and limit their criticisms of the other parent to legitimate concerns, since no parenting advocate is going to come in favorably on the side of a whiner, complainer, or venomous spouse. 

PS-- The mother's attorney should have hosted a fancy night out for the staff.   

Picking a Divorce Attorney (or mortgage lender)

This is a long blog entry.  Prepare yourself. 

I love talking shop with my buddy the mortgage broker (Chris Coggeshall-- Homestone Mortgage. Give him a call, 206-713-9580, the finest divorce mortgage specialist in the Puget Sound.  He's never not closed a loan on time, except my loan.  I can be a pissy, annoying customer.  I hate customers like me.  But he processed my "emotions" about  feeling vulnerable and exposed during the mortgage process, and turned me into a stark, raving fan.  If you need a mortgage, don't call anyone else or you are crazy, or know one hell of a good lender.  But I digress). 

So as I was saying.  I love talking shop with Chris.  Tonight after work we were talking about ... oh dear, I forgot what I was saying...  Oh yes,...  before the mini-commercial for Chris Coggeshall and Homestone, I was talking about divorce law artistry. 

As Chris said, "clients don't buy a legal result. They buy an attorney's service. They get a whole package and sometimes the work isn't perfect but it's a ballet in motion with many variables.  They buy the entire package of legal knowledge, gut instinct, passion for paperwork, sensitivity in a client session, good practical advice, business acumen, ethics and price.  The recipe varies with each professional.  It's wrong for a client to pick one aspect of your legal work and use that to evaluate your entire performance.  It's the entire event that you must be judged upon, not one aspect."  To put our conversation into perspective, we were talking about clients who are unhappy.  Typically they are forgetting the 9 other things you did that made them happy to focus on just one thing that didn't go so well. 

I like his  idea. I so often find fault with my own performance (I'm a ruthless critic of myself), forgetting all the things I did extraordinarily right. Take today for example. 

I was sitting in the final four-way where we settled the whole case.  I had a hunch we would settle so I had my paralegal start drafting the final papers so that we would be able to sign them before the meeting was over. I had her do a separation agreement with exhibits in the back, a very efficient way to type up the settlement.   Most of the language is boiler plate with a few places to fill in the blank. 

Here I was giving the client efficiency and a reduced legal bill by streamlining the process.  Then the other lawyer says, "A whole separation agreement?  Why not just  some exhibits attached to the back of a Decree?"  This is the way the elite family lawyers are handling non-maintenance settlements these days.  I like doing it the other way for a variety of reasons, but my way isn't wrong, it's just not the "cool" way to draft up the settlement at the moment in our industry. 

Then I felt flustered or annoyed inside.  I wasn't doing the paperwork like the elite family lawyers.  For a brief moment I was self-critical and embarrassed.   But why?!

Why would I wipe out all my good feelings about my performance during the morning (which was good)...and forget all the right moves I had made, to focus instead on this one less-than-superb choice? 

____ 

This blog is not about my self esteem or the quality of my work product.   The important point here is that with lawyers, you are getting a collection of qualities. What is important as a person looking to hire a lawyer  is that you know what you are getting.  What qualities?  What bundle of perks, benefits and price?

If you select me, or Lawlady Inc., you will get a bundle of skills, talents and proclivities that look something like this.

• Old fashioned customer service.   
• Stylish flair-- we like to wear black in winter, white in summer.   
• 100% focused psychic and emotional support if you need it.   
• 75% wisdom, unless I'm having a bad day, in which case, you get to share yours with me.
• An extremely fast pace, unless it's a day for meandering wisdom.
• An irreverent attitude about what the courts will do.   
• Fast paperwork if we choose to help you with a more litigated-oriented case.   
• Good humor.   
• Heavy reliance on email.
• Heavy customer-participation in your case to keep costs down, unless it's a flat fee.
• A very mindful eye on not overworking the case, in fact we may underwork it just a hair.
• A fabulous flat fee option with a nice treat for you at the end of your  case.
• Divorce ritual advice if you ask for it.
• Collaborative law services that have been honed over 7 years of training, arguably longe than most collaborative attorneys. 
• A heavier reliance on mediated and collaborative resolutions.
• A tendency to talk clients off the litigation ledge.
• Heavy involvement of allied professionals, but not litigation-oriented professionals.
• An extremely large database of excellent referrals and contacts that I share with you.
• Opinions that draw  from psychology, spirituality, marketing, organizational         development,  ritual and office efficiency principles.
• A profound optimism that hard times in life lead to good times in life.
• Family law practiced from an outsider's viewpoint looking in, although my years at the start of       my career at two large law firms give me a heightened since of how to provide good legal work.      
• A cavalier attitude to court rules. I'm one to try new strategies and take a novel approach.
• Beautiful court paperwork at times when we choose to rise to the occaision. 

Another lawyer's legal dance might look differently and it may be no better than mine. The question is all about fit.  What are you looking for?

If you want to know what a particular judge will do in a particular case, there are more educated minds than mine to answer that question.  I like the psychological drama and the subtlety of finding the win/win position more.  My legal practice is a more sophisticated practice of peace-making.  I'm not into the blunt practice of law.  There are  plenty of old-style litigation attorneys out there doing that.  We  serve legal divorce services with a philosophical flair and an attention to the underlying process at play.  I'm/we are modern, yet rooted in a very traditional legal upbringing.  My dad was a hard-core litigator and I grew up being forced to play Hearts against him for fun.  He NEVER let me win.  I ALWAYS hated to lose.

What you really want to know is how we dance as lawyers?  What do we do better and differently than any other lawyer?  Every lawyer has a special way.  Just like you as a client are unique and special. 

Just like Chris and mortgages.  You won't see him passing out the most business cards at a networking event.  He'd rather study the nuances of the deep clauses in the bottom of your mortgage contact so the deal always closes. My kind of  mortgage guy.   

It's all a dance.  Who do you want for your dance partner?  Pick the right one and the outcome is artistry.  Legal work done right is pure mind, body, spirit in motion.  Movement for your best interest. 

Seattle Divorce Attorney Stefani Quane says...

My blog's daily visitor count increased recently.  I've learned how to play the game a bit better than I did before.  I'm also on Google's radar more than I used to be.  I'm coming up in the first five entries for odd searches, like break up parties and Robert Scoble's divorce.  Someone told me years ago that if you want to get famous in the blogosphere write about the topics that you think your ideal clients will Google.  I didn't quite follow the advice.  Not the first time I've  disregarded good recommendations. 

In a fit of greed I sat down several times to write "divorce attorney Seattle" stories.  You know, something blathering like, the "Seattle Divorce attorneys and  I were having lunch today and we discused this compelling divorce issue ..."   Or,  "as a Seattle Divorce Attorney, I recommend..."   My writing went dry. I couldn't write for such a purpose.  My subconscious reigned  me in. 

So, instead I write on fairly odd topics like "diplomatic language" and do well on the search engines attracting happily married people (who hopefully will someday need a divorce). 

If you want to increase your blog ratings do, however, write on your topic often, and rather than give your pieces cute names, give your pieces names that will likely convert well into web search terms, like "Seattle Divorce Attorney, Stefani Quane says...."

Scoble's Divorce Recommendation

Blog hero and cultural Icon Robert Scoble (that is his name right?!) wrote about divorce yesterday on his blog Scobleizer,  Evidently he was on Dr. Phil talking about his divorce experience  last night.

HOLD THE BUS.... I'm reading a blog entry from May 2004.  I assumed I was reading the first page of his blog and then thought it was weird his blog wouldn't let me leave a comment. 

Nonetheless, the blog entry is still important. He's  promoting an amicable way to divorce.  Scoble's advice:   "take the high road."

Here's what his blog says: 

For me that meant not fighting and trying to stay out of courts and stuff. At the time I really wanted to fight. But, I listened to Buzz and today Maryam and Charlotte are friendly to each other. My son is happy. Life is working out far better than I expected it to. Yeah, I have alimony payments that are nuts and I gave up a LOT that I probably would have won in court.

But I watch these two people on TV fighting over tupperware and stupid things and I realize just how valuable that advice was....

If you're going through a divorce, there's no better advice I could pass along than "take the high road." In fact, I think there's no better advice for life, is there Buzz?

Lastly, can I just say... Who handled his divorce?!  Sometimes I get jealous when I see that a nice juicy client fish has swimmed past me. Oh well. I'm still waiting for Bill or Melinda Gate's Divorce and one of them to call me.   Is that naughty to fantasize about the demise of someone's marriage?  I suppose there are people who have fantasized worse things about him. 

Prenuptial Agreements On the Rise in Seattle

This is an informal survey based on my limited view as a practicing family attorney... but I do believe that people in their 20s and 30s are entering prenuptial agreements more than their predecessors (at least in Seattle).  They are generations that grew up with prevalent divorce.  People in their 40s and above had parents willing to stay married for the kids. 

These younger folks are savvier (and  possibly more scared).  They've seen more horror divorce stories.  They've heard about prenups;  they've heard the concept that you need to protect yourself; and they are less certain the marriage will last a life time.  This mirrors the concept Oprah promoted a few years ago about "starter marriages."  With reduced stigma around divorce, couples may be willing to take the marital plunge with less commitment and certainty... hence the need for a prenuptial.

If you don't know how your fiance will handle the credit card; or how that business venture is going to turn out; or, if you come into marriage with significant assets, or plan to inherit them, these are all good reasons to consider getting a prenuptial agreement.  People with children from a prior marriage are also prime candidates for a prenuptial agreement.

The funny thing is that by drafting a prenuptial agreement you are often showing a lack of  confidence in the legal system and family laws. You are possibly agreeing to terms that contravene the standard practices in the state.  Often these agreements  are done so as to protect the wealthier or more financially responsible spouse. It's as if couples are saying, "I don't want to completely merge as a financial team with you. I'd rather travel life as a more financially independent entity." 

My guess is that with the threat of divorce looming so large in the future, people are giving a more qualified "I do."   On the flip side, the task of entering a prenuptial agreement can often bring core issues to the surface.  "What is appropriate credit card usage?  Do you work as hard as I think you should work?  How much is a reasonable amount to spend on a treat?  Do you consider my on-line shopping to border on addiction?  What is fair game to spend on a purchase without telling me?  Do you believe in raiding the 401K plan?  What is the minimum we will keep in the check book?  Is it OK to quit a job without a new job lined up?  What if I want to go back to school?  Will you support me during a career transition?  Do we want to be poor and in love or rich and successful? "   This list goes on.   

As much as couples may hate to start the tender conversation about money.  Going to a prenuptial attorney for an agreement can being the talk.  In the process of coming to agreements for the prenuptial document, you will be coming to agreements that will smooth the road of your relationship.  In this way, prenuptial agreements can be very healthy and very marriage-enhancing.  Seen from this angle, the younger generation is doing marriage smarter: their increasing the chance that $2,000 15 page document never sees the light of day after it's tucked away. 

Aha.  I just did a quick web search to check out my hunch that prenuptial agreements are up.  DivorceNet.com just published a blog entry reporting that  in a "poll by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyer (AAML) members, 49% of the divorce attorneys cited an increase in postnuptial agreements during the past five years."    The article notes that  also rising in popularity are  postnuptial agreements after the couple has been married.  I would add that also up is the "living together contract" or "cohabitation agreement."    This provides safety and stability when doing something irrational like moving in together after knowing someone eight weeks. 

If you are in the market for a prenuptial agreement, consider my favorite clause:  "If we break up or divorce, we agree to use collaborative law, mediation or other amicable processes to resolve our conflict, unless their are emergency or safety issues." 

Absent-Mindedness

I walked to the store at noon with the office dog.  I tied her up outside.   After shopping,  I walked home without her.  QFC called me at 6:00 to say she was now in the manager's office. 

I've been busy. 

Obviously. 

Best Divorce Site I've Seen

Well, leave this site immediately and go visit Divorce Diva.   This is a very fresh, very sassy, very well-linked divorce-focused website.  It's brilliant in capturing the cutting edge of divorce. 

Just like every other part of life, we're evolving (except those areas in which we are clearly not evolving).   Divorce does not have to be  a gun-slinging battle that drains 15% of the family net wealth off the top to pay for attorneys fees.  It can be rich and warm, a journey into the heart of financial responsibility, an impetus to get a career, a reminder that you love your kids and want to be home at night to see them. 

The Divorce Diva, while only recently blogging on the subject, is a worthwhile stop for support and education as you enter this divorcing time.  Visit her today.

By the way... Who is she?  The bio doesn't say.

PS... I'm not just saying this because she featured me.  It's my honest assessment.