The weather just turned in Seattle. All of a sudden we went from moderate and wet to frickin cold. I haven't adjusted yet. I'm shivering and I don't seem to get warm. I'm sitting here typing with my outdoor jacket on. Well, I'm also drinking an iced diet soda, so I don't claim your sympathy. It feels like Madison, Wisconsin in early April.
I want to discuss shutting off your heart. Somewhere along the way in a divorce, you reach a point where your heart hardens to your spouse. They just don't matter that much to you and you build a wall that prevents them from returning into your world. Once this switch is flipped, the relationship is completed, even if it takes much longer for the outcome to manifest. It's rather like how winter moves in and then there is no going back. It is long and cold until spring.
The freeze is often experienced as a slamming shut of your care and affection. I've felt it personally when hatred and disdain cut off access to my love. Rarely have I heard of people moving past this point and returning to a healthy, sweet relationship. For those clinging to a hopeful future of reconnection, beware. If a partner reaches the point where they feel internally dead to you, it's best to let go and give up. Clinging and trying to resurrect the good feelings and close intimacy rarely works. Your best hope is to give the deadened person a wide distance. Maybe in this place of isolation, love will be rekindled. Rarely does knocking at the closed heart work. Typically, the leavor will simply perceive your efforts as bothersome. Find your center and joy elsewhere. Mostly with yourself and those people who love you back.
A good marriage requires each spouse to stand up by themselves. When your spouse becomes inaccessible, your best course is to find your own footing and stand in our own happiness and security. This way you become safe. Maybe he or she will stop seeing you as a threat. And once you are no longer a threat, maybe they will allow you to reenter their heart of affection. If not, you are better prepared to face divorce. Best of all, you will feel your internal fire and that can be a very warm and loving experience, especially during the cold months of winter.