Letter to Divorcing Clients: Resolving Long Standing Issues

Dear Clients,

Here are some philosophical consideration for you to write about and ponder.  Call this the homework for the softer side of resolving your conflict.  Give this section as much or as little weight as feels appropriate. I may be wrong, so I don't want you to take my words at face value. Chew on them a bit. Does any of this help, ring a bell, or otherwise move you forward or just feel annoying? 

 

Children are left with the life task of reconciling all irreconciable differences between the parents. I like to point to my high school friend's situation. Her parents had insurmountable issues between mom's Christianity and father's (and his family's) Catholicism.  I know that doesn't seem like a terrible problem but in the 1960s and 70s it wasn't a subject that the parents could discuss with sanity. The divorce occurred and the family had much heartache and fighting over Sunday school, confirmation, after-school Wednesday Catholic education, summer church camp.  It was ugly.  Today it seems like a wrong issue to fight over.  However it was heated then.  My friend was left in her early 20s to figure out religion for herself. She made up a hybrid solution.  She concluded Christians do go to heaven. It's horrid to fight over religion, and it is not a subject to discuss with another person if it results in a fight. Given what she saw in the parents behavior, she did not choose to attend Church as a grownup and chose to be spiritual instead.She did stick with holiday services when visiting her parents.The subject of religion engaged her during her 20s. She didn't start addressing her own unique issues until her 30s. 

Some parents do not believe that their unresolved conflicts are later resolved by the children. I've seen so many examples, I believe in this concept of inherited family issues. From my vantage point what happens is that the parents perceive no solution and that the other parent is wrong. Or, the parents do their best to just ignore it or find ok fixes that don't resolve and reconcile the deeper issue with a custom-fit integrated solution.   The children, having no choice but to be the reconciliators to these seemingly unsolvable problems, do eventually work out the issues for themselves.


The best solutions come when each parent makes a self-improvement, and then the parents find an intersection between themselves where a creative solution resides providing the best options and reducing the worst.   

The other next step for conflicted parents is to clearly see what the dynamics are between you that impact your children.  What will your children need to master/reconcile from the lessons they learn from each of you?  Said another way, what are the core values the children will gain from each of you.  What strengths are you each giving them?  With specific examples, how do these strengths clash?  If you brainstormed what might be a solution? This is where you go to the drawing board and try to see things freshly. If someone else solved your combined problem, what would they likely do? 

I'm sorry that things are so frustrating. I believe that the deeper purpose of divorce angst that occurs long into the process is to take us even further into our own healing and to further refine us as human beings.  You are both such likable and wonderful people.  I know that you can transmute your troubles into an outstanding co-parenting team. You've got such good hearts, intelligence, and excellent rapport with your children. I know you've got the raw talent to have a loving and highly evolved post-divorce family system.  Don't give up.  You can get there.  I'm rooting for you.   

Comments

[trisha]

Try to agree some ‘ground rules’ – especially around subjects that are likely to prompt argument. If you can’t do this together – think about using a professional – such as a mediator – to help you to discuss and agree things calmly

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You've got such good hearts, intelligence, and excellent rapport with your children. I know you've got the raw talent to have a loving and highly evolved post-divorce family system.

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[Reasons for Divorce]

The problem about couple on the verge of divorcing nowadays is how everything is about themselves. The fact that they already have children shows that they should be more responsible with their actions and think about the people around them. Once they got this figured out, they will help their child grow up as a well-adjusted person.

[Panj Lawyer]

It can be hard to do, but parents can improve a situation by recognizing their divorce from each other, not the children. Kids need to see that even though their parents might not love each other, they are committed to staying connected because of their responsibilities as parents. Anything that puts a child in the middle of dispute is unhealthy, and causes the most problems for divorcing families. If parents don't work issues through, those issues have a huge effect on their kids.

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[Pam P.]

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Statistics show that the better the parents get along during and post divorce the better their children will do later on in life. Ultimately, this sense of co-parenting will benefit everybody in the family.