Impossible Divorce Situations

I've got a few couples facing the same issue right now.  It's post-divorce and things are still not going well with co-parenting.  One person's timely;  the other is not. One is lax about food choices;  the other believes it's imperative for health to cut wheat and sugar.  One believes it's ok to leave a 15 year old at his girlfriend's house as a form of backup babysitter; the other sees this as the route to early grandparentdom. 

I'm trained in different modalities to help resolve conflict:  listen for agreements, instill hope about the possibility of settlement, get them to brainstorm, do reflective listening. 

But, I was grouchy today (I ate fast food and that always leaves me edgy).  I was just coming off hosting a guest for five days and I'm slightly introverted.  So my sense of optimism for my 3 couples was low. 

As I was shopping for mashed potatoes and gravy (truth in blogging here) I contemplated a different way for the couples.  Here is my advice for resolving conflict born out of two very different people doing things very differently.   

Children are the reconciliators of conflicts their parents are not able to resolve between themselves. For example, my friend from high school was the one to sort out the issue of Catholisism and generic Christianity.  Her parents couldn't work out the difference, but she did.  She found a blend that satisfied both camps. 

I'm sure the children of my couples will work out a solution to timeliness, accountability, appropriate sexual boundaries, and the other issues the parents don't resolve.  The parents will cobble a solution together, but I doubt they are going to dive deeply into the topic of their mutual unrest.  Why should they?  If it were me I probably wouldn't care to spend extra time (my valuable, precious life energy) working something out with someone who drives me nuts.  I don't always take that path in my own life. 

But it might be the right way.  To ask ourselves and each other the pressing questions: 

•  What is the best course, and

•  How are both of our opinions valid and how can we chart a course that honors each. 

I suspect my clients, and most clients in mediation, believe they are right. And that are accurate. We do see the faults of others clearly.   But we can go one step further and make the inquiry: 

•   Assume we are both right, how do we weave and integrate both threads of truth into a reality and future that is stronger because of the two opinions? 

Integrative mediation, or transformative mediation, seeks to bridge the gaps in understanding with a new way, a new road, a new .... perspective.  But this is so much work.  Simple little conflicts, especially lingering ones that failed to resolve in marriage, can sit on a huge hidden icebergs of stuck energy and coagulated opinions.  It's not just his tendency to be 45 minutes late or her over-reactivity to his giving the kids some candy.  It's about how the whole western world eats, and the stress of modern life, and freedom verses practical things like teaching the kids to be responsible and to be where they say they will be on time. 

These are discourses that the ancient Greek philosophers may have spent hours or days contemplating. 

In a traditional culture, say a Native American culture, the elder statesmen might have contemplated the issue for you thereby removing some of the responsibility and duty off your shoulder.  Kwowing and loving wise men and women might have decided your fate and informed you of the best course of action, reducing your conflict and getting you into action.

We don't have such a comprehensive solution anymore.  Who knows you and your family so intimately and has the structure and time to provide a comprehensive solution?

In the united-villages future of planet earth, we could hope for such good social solutions. 

In the meantime, the best thing for parents would be to enter the abyss of conflict, stay open to evolution and cook the concepts until they've created a wonderful new solution for themselves, their children and ultimately the world.  If that doesn't work, hashing out something less-then-terrible that both can agree to may be the next best hope.

But it doesn't satisfy that much.  It's a next best solution. 

Comments

[Getting Over A Divorce]

Your words and ideas are very eloquent and inquisitive. Thanks and keep up the good work!

[trisha]

Play fair in regard to new partners or relationships – and don’t expect to use your home as a base for entertaining! – this is particularly important if you are a parent