Procrastinated on my Divorce Article

I was asked to write an article for an American Bar Association newsletter about generational issues in divorce. I started writing something twice, and have thought about the subject for two weeks. I haven't been able to quite make an article come true however. You see, I got to this place of wondering are there really generational issues in divorce that are not explained by the length of marriage only? I guess in one of my earlier blogs I spouted off that there is a generational difference in how younger folks treat divorce as opposed to older clients. But was that really accurate? I think it is, even if we neutralize the impact of length of marriage. The fact is that divorce is much more common now than it was 30 years ago. I remember being in the second grade in 1970 and being embarrassed by the fact my family was divorced. I lied to school mates so they wouldn't know my parents were divorced. Somehome I knew this wouldn't help me make friends and be accepted by the group. My younger clients don't seem to share the sense of shame and embarrassment that my older clients experience. Over the years working with 40+ year old divorcing clients, I've come to develop a schtick about the meaning of divorce, how they shouldn't feel a sense of failure, marriage is hard, maybe not all relationships are meant to last. More often than not I get feedback from clients that suggests my words are helpful. Also with older clients, I spend time challenging older women client's assumptions about entitlement at divorce, and men client's feelings of guilt that result in being overly generous with settlement offers. The collaborative or amicable approach is also something new for many of my older clients. They were raised in a legal cultural where divorce was an ugly, messy, costly litigation process. Many assume that the thing you do when getting divorced is go out and find yourself a good, bull-dog lawyer for protection during this nasty experience. I don't see these same trends with the younger clients. More come to the process clear that they do not want a litigated ugly scene. Often they've experienced or seen a nasty divorce and they are unwilling to put themselves and their children through the same. Often, they have quite spiritual perspectives about the nature of marriage and find that it is acceptable to go different paths in life. They don't report a sence of failure or shame about divorce as do the older clients. This all became clear to me when one client session when I started to give my comforting speach about the difficulty of marriage and the fact the client shouldn't feel embarrassed or a failure. The client's response to me was why should I? "All my friends are divorcing, why should I be embarrassed. Everyone does it." My younger clients are pioneers in a new way of divorce. Not only are many of them expecting to do it amicably, they are looking for an even better experience. They want to do it great. One such client went to their therapist to ask how to do divorce the best way possible. This older therapist scoffed and said something like that's an unrealistic expectation. Divorce is divorce, implying that the process necessarily was going to be ugly. My clients fired that older therapist and found me, an attorney who holds out a newer, less litigious theory of divorce. This new breed of client feels more confident that divorce is the right option, feels less shame or sense of failure and more hope that the legal process can be smooth and relatively uncomplicated. This changed perspective is leading to an easier experience, from what I have observed. Divorce seems to be changing with this new generation of divorcing couples. Any why shouldn't it. Just this past week, I saw two commercials featuring divorced people. I've never seen a divorced person hocking financial services or hair color before. Divorce is more mainstream now, and with it, divorce attorneys don't need to give the pep-talk speaches and talks to get the clients off the litigation ledge quite like we needed to before. That's how I've noticed the trend is going in divorce. I don't think that is simply attributable to length of marriage. What are you thoughts? Have you noticed a difference?

Comments

[child and divorce]

The fact is that divorce is much more common now than it was 30 years ago.

[thinkbanc]

I have to comment on your last post about the subject as it was so informative. You really know what you are talking about and can explain things really well. I have only read posts by one other guy who writes as well as you do.

[prosperable.com]

I found your post really interesting and it has really improved my knowledge on the matter. You’ve assisted my understanding on what is usually a hard to tackle subject. Thank you!