Lawlady's Divorce Blog

Procrastinated on my Divorce Article

I was asked to write an article for an American Bar Association newsletter about generational issues in divorce. I started writing something twice, and have thought about the subject for two weeks. I haven't been able to quite make an article come true however. You see, I got to this place of wondering are there really generational issues in divorce that are not explained by the length of marriage only? I guess in one of my earlier blogs I spouted off that there is a generational difference in how younger folks treat divorce as opposed to older clients. But was that really accurate? I think it is, even if we neutralize the impact of length of marriage. The fact is that divorce is much more common now than it was 30 years ago. I remember being in the second grade in 1970 and being embarrassed by the fact my family was divorced. I lied to school mates so they wouldn't know my parents were divorced. Somehome I knew this wouldn't help me make friends and be accepted by the group. My younger clients don't seem to share the sense of shame and embarrassment that my older clients experience. Over the years working with 40+ year old divorcing clients, I've come to develop a schtick about the meaning of divorce, how they shouldn't feel a sense of failure, marriage is hard, maybe not all relationships are meant to last. More often than not I get feedback from clients that suggests my words are helpful. Also with older clients, I spend time challenging older women client's assumptions about entitlement at divorce, and men client's feelings of guilt that result in being overly generous with settlement offers. The collaborative or amicable approach is also something new for many of my older clients. They were raised in a legal cultural where divorce was an ugly, messy, costly litigation process. Many assume that the thing you do when getting divorced is go out and find yourself a good, bull-dog lawyer for protection during this nasty experience. I don't see these same trends with the younger clients. More come to the process clear that they do not want a litigated ugly scene. Often they've experienced or seen a nasty divorce and they are unwilling to put themselves and their children through the same. Often, they have quite spiritual perspectives about the nature of marriage and find that it is acceptable to go different paths in life. They don't report a sence of failure or shame about divorce as do the older clients. This all became clear to me when one client session when I started to give my comforting speach about the difficulty of marriage and the fact the client shouldn't feel embarrassed or a failure. The client's response to me was why should I? "All my friends are divorcing, why should I be embarrassed. Everyone does it." My younger clients are pioneers in a new way of divorce. Not only are many of them expecting to do it amicably, they are looking for an even better experience. They want to do it great. One such client went to their therapist to ask how to do divorce the best way possible. This older therapist scoffed and said something like that's an unrealistic expectation. Divorce is divorce, implying that the process necessarily was going to be ugly. My clients fired that older therapist and found me, an attorney who holds out a newer, less litigious theory of divorce. This new breed of client feels more confident that divorce is the right option, feels less shame or sense of failure and more hope that the legal process can be smooth and relatively uncomplicated. This changed perspective is leading to an easier experience, from what I have observed. Divorce seems to be changing with this new generation of divorcing couples. Any why shouldn't it. Just this past week, I saw two commercials featuring divorced people. I've never seen a divorced person hocking financial services or hair color before. Divorce is more mainstream now, and with it, divorce attorneys don't need to give the pep-talk speaches and talks to get the clients off the litigation ledge quite like we needed to before. That's how I've noticed the trend is going in divorce. I don't think that is simply attributable to length of marriage. What are you thoughts? Have you noticed a difference?

The Polygamists of Utah

I'm on vacation in southern Utah. On the drive between St. George Utah and Kanab-- the gateway to some beautiful southwest landscape and the filming spot for many of the old westerns-- you pass a town called Colorado City. The judge, until very recently, in that town has 32 children and I'm assuming they didn't all come from the same wife. The town is located in a strange place. I believe that is is technically an Arizona town, but the way the states are laid out the closest major towns are in Utah so policing the town is difficult for the Arizona police force. There is a book about this town called The Polygymists.

I decided to stop on my way back from day hiking outside Kanab. The town's primary houses are large, barn-like, unadorned two-story box houses that seem 2,400 to 4,000 square feet. I've heard that the reason these houses are not finished on the outside and have instead construction material on the exterior as opposed to regular siding is that if a house is completed the tax rate is much higher than for a partially constructed home.

I stopped at the local grocery store and was the only female shopper not wearing a home-made style ankle-length Little-House-on-the Prairie dress. The manager kept a close eye on me while I was there. I smiled at the women shoppers (there weren't any men shopping) and the children. Most of them avoided looking at me. I haven't often experienced the sensation of being looked at suspiciously, but that's the best word I have for the cold looks I received back. Only three patrons smiled back at me.

I thought my presence would be a good example to the young woman of the opportunities for a woman outside of this town. I've heard that the incest rate for Mormon girls is quite high and I wondered as I looked at these pretty and extremely clean looking young girls if that was happening to them. I wondered if that was part of the reason for their suspicion.

As I stood in line to pay, I questioned my motives and wondered if I was acting inappropriately bby stopping as if this town was a zoo and I was there to see some interesting foreign animals. I held a private conversation with myself wondering if it was fair of me to judge their community as harmful to woman. I could see that there might be something delightful and comforting to grow up in such a close knit community. How much of a role model am I as a never-married 42 year old woman with no children. They might see my lack of family and marriage as sad. I have to admit this was the first time I've seen youngsters sliding through a grocery store in giggling pleasure without critical glares from other shoppers. That yucky little grocery store had a sense of community. Not every town in America can boast that virtue.

Mentors: a B- or C+Word

I traveled to Kanab Utah to see one of my inspirers today and yesterday. Russ Mead works for Best Friends Animal Sanctuary, as general counsel. When Hurricane Katrina hit he took a team of employees down to set up a provisional animal shelter. They did a phenominal job saving animal lives in a situation that was unstructured, un- or over-regulated, and physically exhausting. He says what he learned from the situation is how to motivate intelligent, idealistic people. Short answer: explain the mission or big picture, tell them what part they are to play and why their role is important, and then "praise the hell out of them, without being phoney or disengenuine." He's thinking about writing a book about what he's learned.

We got all excited together coming up with he and his wife's next career move. I think he's ready for the national stage. With his rescue efforts he's now got a compelling key note-- and this is for a man who was already charming and charismatic on the stage.

We read tarot cards and he gave me a deck he picked up in Reno when he was there setting up a sanctuary for 1,400 rabbits. I gave away my decks years ago. He said this particular deck seemed purchased just for me. There are people in our lives who provide a rich dosage of whatever it is we like or need. You don't need to see them often to get the pungent substance that makes a difference.

Who are those people for you? I hope that I am that for other people. In astrology we would call this having a strong 6th house influence-- the house of mentors, the act of passing the torch on to others of similar persuasions. The role of mentorship isn't something that is a strong suit of our culture. With mentorship, we have a long way to go. Don't be surprised if someday you hear about a cultural rebirth in how we pass along the flame on what has been learned. Living is a hard endeavor. We could all use tips as to how to do this journey better. Oprah, self help books, and key note speakers at networking events is not enough. We need real live people who can guide us about how to live well.

My word of advice from Russ: read some more Tarot cards.

Malcolm Gladwell is Brilliant!

Read Malcolm Gladwell's backlog of articles published in the New Yorker. You can find them at MalcolmGladwell. com. Sorry I'm not giving you the link. I'm tired and being lazy.

I must confess I have a fondess for fabulous ideas well written in easy to follow English. He's all of that. I read three of his articles today-- they are meaty, satisfying articles. One takes a long time to chew up and swallow, but boy is his work yummy. If you like reading books and don't have one handy, try reading some of his work.

I particularly liked his article about Saturday night live and how innovative thinkers often emerge in a pack with other innovative thinkers. They spur like-minded friends to think even better thoughts. Then there is the article about the food developer who hosted a bake off to see what type of team could produce the best healthy cookie-- the industry expert team, the technologically savvy grinders, or the brilliant woman with a team supporting her. The other good article was about an urban planning author who's ideas are carrying over to corporate office layouts... it seems that the public street scene is a good model for businesses. Stop putting the executives in the corner offices which are the equivalent to the uppity suberbs, cut off from the real action of the company.

Who do you love listening to? Who are your teachers?

Astrology Out of the Closet

In response to this morning's reader comment, yes astrology can be helpful in figuring out the primary purpose of a relationship and the core dynamics at play. I've had a long-standing, on-off relationship with the Fireman, and it was always so confusing to me (and I'm presuming to him to him too, or maybe not. He and I rarely see things the same way). After 13 years, I got our charts done, and then a third chart done called a composite chart which is the average chart created by two charts. Composite charts represent the relationship and its particular needs and interests, apart from those of both people. Our composite said that we're great business partners. That explained it. He's an intregal part of the business of life for me. I think we should have bought rental properties together years ago, and stuck with that.

Being a divorce attorney who is always looking for other tools and techniques to use in helping clients overcome conflict and move smoothly through the transition, I would very much appreciate the opportunity to work iwth a couple who would have their charts to be studied during the process. Astrology can answer questions such as how are we agressive and defensive, and what type of language is calming to us. Are any of you (divorcing couples with conflict interested in seeing how astrology can help you break the stalemate) out there? I know a very good couple's therapist who was also classically trained in theology at Notre Dame. His name is Dan Keusal and he could provide the astrological insight for you.

You know, I struggle with posting this astrology ideology here. I know that it is not well thought of by everyone and it could offend potential clients. But I think that holding back and not talking about what you believe out of respect for those people who may be offended or uncomfortable is the type of silent acquiesence that allows bad ideas to breed. I encourage you to be a bit more forthcoming with your unique (albeit more controversial) ideas today.

Have a good one.

Astrology 101

I insist that you all get an astrology reading, or learn the basics of Astrology 101.  I've been listening to Steven Forrest astrology tapes.You can buy tapes of his lectures ($10 a tape) through Astrology Et. Al.   I'm too lazy- in a hurry actually- to hunt the website down for you. Try Google.  His books are widely available at Amazon.

I'm not sure that I believe astrology.  Maybe it is a can of hooey.  But I'll tell you, the more I learn about it and how the principles supposedly play out in my life, the more I'm a sold convert.

But don't just go out and try to pick up astrological tidbits anywhere- especially not the newspaper horoscopes.  Read some good astrological stuff, and I recommend Steven Forrest as a first step.

If you've tried therapy, tried coaching, tried the self-help section of the book store, and still feel like you can't figure yourself out, you may want to look into the mirror of astrology.  Just please don't confuse the astrology for the real source of spirit and soul.  We've got a personality beyond our personality, but if you want to better know your exterior  personality patterns, astrology might have the short answer for you. 

Harvard's Secret Admission Sauce

Gladwell on Harvard.  This article by Malcolm Gladwell is brilliant.  He writes about Harvard, the brand of Harvard and how the school has modified its admission policy in order to ensure Star Graduates.  The school  has repeatedly over time searched for the secret sauce of  admission policies to ensure a crop of elite students who leave school and go forward as a force in the world. 

The information of the article is stunning-- but the way he writes could cripple you to your knees if you like good writing-- which evidently I do because I'm in prayer position.

Go read him.  In case the link sucks, here is the actual site to type in manually: http://www.gladwell.com/2005/2005_10_10_a_admissions.html

Heuristics-- Did I spell that right?

I'm back. I did another cycle with the Fireman. We've been off/on for 13 years, and I stupidly stepped back in again due to nostalgia and inattentiveness.  I'm out again (thankfully),  but I lost a few weeks and a few thousands calories in the process.

Nevertheless, I'm back and excited to write about the word for the day.  It's a GREAT word, although I can only vaguely describe it. The word is "heuristics" meaning a process that we use to "discover or find out"   relying on less information but achieving the same  or better results. This is my definition. The real definition is so hard to understand, you'd be better off trying to decifer a physics text book. 

I got turned onto the concept reading Malcolm Gladwell's blog.  He postures that a pro basketball team could get better results from its scouting using the heuristic theory of firing its scouting department and instead hiring only players who played at  at Duke and U-Conn (the two best college teams). The pro team would rely on the college coaches to pick the best in the country, meanwhile saving money spent on its scouting department.  The theory is make decisions with less but reliable information. 

The whole idea behind heuristics is that you come up with a plan that requires you to use less brain power, time, and money to get to a decision, and yet has a high probability of  providing better than average results.  A heuristic might be:  I will shop at all the stores where Linda shops because I know she gets the best deals.  I'll stop trying to find good deals myself and rely on her brain power to make the best shopping decisions.  Or, I'll eat at the restaurants that Peter recommends because he spends gobs of time scouting for and trying out cool places and he likes the same types of foods I like.

In the divorce arena, it means that I will make an offer that is in the same range as my lawyer's other clients, since I can assume that they worked very hard to figure out the best number.  Why reinvent the wheel if someone already put more time and effort into the decision than I want to put in?

In a world of too many choices and too many pulls on our time, why not start relying on methods that reduce the information needed to decide and cut  the total time in  decision-making?   If these  methods can produce equal or better results, why not?

I'll tell you why not. Because as smart people we like figuring things out.  We don't trust other people to be as smart as us.  And, we assume we can make a better decision.  But here is the kicker, is this really where we want to be focusing our efforts?  Isn't there anything we'd rather spend our time doing than making all the stupid decisions life throws at us?  Or can be successfully piggy back on the decisions of others?   Should we?  Heuristics says yes.

Go check out Gladwell.  I think he's got something poignent to say.