Lawlady's Divorce Blog

End of Year Report Card

"Get out the motor oil Granny.  We're taking this old car for a ride."

That's actually how I feel sitting down to blog.  It feels like ages since I've typed.  Actually, with all the yoga I've been doing, the sitting part is easier than it used to be.  I don't have quite the computer-hunch I had several weeks ago. 

I started my end-of-the-year ruminations early this year.  I got myself a book called, "Your Best Year Yet!  Ten Questions for Making the Next 12 Months Your Most Successful Ever" by Jinny Ditzler.  One of her first recommendations is to do a thorough performance review of your year, basically exorcising your demons and regrets, and patting yourself on the back for well deserved rewards.  Her claim is that it shouldn't take too long to do a thorough review and plan for the upcoming year, and something is better than nothing in terms of planning. 

She's also keen on setting achievable goals, not pie-in-the-sky goals. She wants you to get on a positive roll with goal-setting so that your successes encourage future goal-setting.  It might make a good holiday gift for the Type A and Loser in your life. 

Alright, one blog back in action.  Not bad for an auto that's been in hibernation for a few weeks. 

Write me and tell me about your future plans this coming year.  And better yet, write and let me know how you score yourself for this past year's performance.  How did you do?

Divorce Fear

Divorce fear is like any other fear that strikes as you set out on a new path.  It is common to feel a rise of tension and flutters as you realize that your life is not going to go as you planned.  At those times when you are gripped, a good way to deal with the tension is to focus on what you can do.  Instead of panicking that your credit limit won't be increased by the bank (something you were hoping for); or that your car needs $$$ worth of repairs, or that your spouse is saying he won't work with you to craft a parenting plan that is convenient for your work schedule, focus on what you can control.  Make one more sales call than usual, or go into the office early and finish off some projects so that you can take half of Friday off to be with your children.

We get out of harrowing situations by doing what we know we can do.  We take practical steps. We make practical plans.  Don't waste finite resources worrying about looming,  alleged insurmountable problems.  Little baby steps can get you out of a bad situation.  Take those rather than give in  to the fear.

Essence at Work

I heard a charming speaker at the WBE meeting this week. Her name is Carol Sanford and she is with Antioch University, and also a consulting firm. She'll be doing a day-long workshop for the WBE on November 19th, about authenticity in the workplace. She helps companies conduct large scale change of toxic corporate systems. 

I found her presentation loud, bold, kind, and kinda on the edge.  She talked about Essence and the false personality we develop as a coping skill.  She was clear that we need to let go of our false self and learn to live from our Essence at work. 

The highlights of her presentation were:  1) pick a career objective so large in scope that you can't fathom how to get their with what you know currently, 2) only the career objectives that make us grow and learn are significant enough to warrant our time and attention, 3) personality tests suck in the work force. We are bigger than Myers Briggs.

I loved sitting in a large room listening to a forceful, enthusiastic, sort-of overweight woman give it to us straight.  Sometimes I think that the world wouldn't be in half the trouble we are in if hefty, substantial smart women could and would start speaking the truth about the way things are being run.  It's refreshing to get the bold, feminine perspective.

I highly recommend Carol's upcoming 11/19 presentation for about $50.  Sorry I'm too lazy to give you a link.

What do you know needs to be changed to make the world a better place?  What are you certain you could improve at work, or in the world?  What is your Essence calling out to do in the world?

Good questions from Carol Sanford.

Passionless Divorce

Not all couples divorce in a torrid flame of hurt, grief and anger.  Some couples divorce slowing overtime, the same way air leaks out of your camping mattress.  The marriage, like the air mattress, doesn't pop with a loud explosion, but overtime deflates leaving you feeling bruised and on the ground.  This "slow-leak" divorce happens gradually so that the change is not obvious.  One hurt, one betrayal, one withheld communication, one misunderstanding, one refusal to change, all added up over time emptying the emotional savings account. 

Over years, you find yourself married to your brother, cousin, or your best friend.  You might wake up realizing you are married to a relative stranger, or possibly to a nice co-worker, who shares the duties of running the home with you. 

I generally like working with these types of divorcing couples.  There usually isn't enough combined attraction to flare up much of an argument.   Each person seems to know  what the other would consider fair and both seem committed to being  tactful at the parting.  It's almost as if each spouse is mutually embarrassed about the "over-intimacy" that marriage implies.  In our culture, most people assume some level of sexual and emotional intimacy and passion in marriage.  This cold-flesh marriage lacks both. 

"Move this cold, dank fish off of me please," is how I experience the requests for assistance from clients in this particular situation.  It's as if they've allowed an unsightly and slightly rotting occurrence to develop in their lives.

Diplomacy and understatement are the key solutions for this style of divorce.  A calm cutting off of what is dead and no longer suitable. 

On a positive note,  these couples often become the most happy and  successful post-divorce singles.  Their lives are quickly rearranged to suit their individual styles. If any marital comforts are lost, they are easily replaced.  The provider is less important than the service. 

Another good feature is that these couples have an increased likelihood of maintaining a post-divorce friendship since this is often what has been keeping the couple married.  Often with more distance, an enthusiasm and appreciation of one another returns.  You might find that, with 6 months of not talking to someone you have nothing to say to now,  you accumulate  30 to 60  minutes of stimulating conversation. 

My recipe for salve for the "slow-leak" divorce is humor.  Humor is a form of communication that allows us to touch gently those topics which are sensitive.  If you've been married for any length of time, you might know your spouse's funny bone.  Try approaching the topic of divorce with humor, lightly and gently.  Neither person is the meanie in the divorce and both people should be left with a sense of integrity and self-esteem.  Humor is a way to get the dead-fish to move. 

The Cost of Getting Better

Seth Godin writes about the natural growth cycle of a business or career. He talks about your "local" (or historic) max out point (where you comfortably earn what you can earn at the top level you've known to date) and then the later "big max" point that offers greater rewards ($$$), if only you can get through the dreaded dip that occurs before you do the large boost up to that big max point.   Basically, he quantifies on a chart the principle "you can't make money without spending money."   He talks about the fear that occurs as you move beyond your comfortable high earning point (he calls it your local point) to a higher vision only to find yourself in a plung downward first. 

He doesn't answer the question why we go through a natural dip as we strive to get bigger and better, faster and richer.  Is it that in order to dream and achieve larger visions for ourselves, we have to take our eye of the day-to-day and make time for new creation?  Do we need to devote resources away from making our regular money and put them into building more infrastructure.  He talks about fear rising up that keeps people where they are at.  For example, "I couldn't change jobs, that would be risky."    I'm stuck on this one. I wish this dip didn't occur as we aim higher.  For me personally, I recognize this trend.  I think of it as the investment you make for continued success.  How can you hope to stay no. 1 in your niche, if you refuse to reinvent yourself?  Reinvention takes time and money. It's the cost of staying no. 1. 

Facing the Hard Truth of Divorce

I've talked with three women this week who are devastated by the news of their divorce.  It is heart breaking for a stay-at-home homemaker of 18 to 35 years to learn of an unwanted divorce. They ask,  will I survive financially?  They say, I don't even understand money. 

Equivalent to facing a  life-threatening illness, miscarriage, or bankruptcy, the divorcing person is challenged with  trying times.  How do you survive?   

One step at a time.  Baby steps.  One evening down.  A life time to go.  Eventually it gets better. And if you can face the truth that your life is now radically altered and find a new way of being in the world, you just might say a year from now that the divorce was the best thing that has ever happened to you. 

But that's a big step.  Most people don't make big steps in life.  I know I sure have a hard time.  I can't seem to make the small step of going from one weight to the next on the scale.  As humans, we attach to where we are at.  We don't like relocating.  That's natural.

But with the ache of divorce, you are being invited to a journey, whether you want it or not.  The best policy with uninvited change is to 1) treat yourself very well, 2) plan for a nice time spent in grief, and 3) realize that the new visions and hopefulness will come after you have fully learned the lessons that tears and pain are going to teach you. 

There are others like you out there tonight.  You're all going to make it.  We're brothers and sisters of a break up club and what awaits on the other side is a life that will reflect the essential you better than the life you have now.

Have faith.

Free Divorce Help in Seattle

For those of you trying to keep your divorce costs down, you will want to check out the free services at the Family Law Facilitator office at both King County Superior Court houses. Each has a different set of office hours. It's first come, first serve for your first session. After that, you can book an appointment, so you don't have to wait in line.  If you need other assistance, you can contact the King County Law Libraries to attend the once-a-month session titled "How to Finish Your Divorce."  Experienced divorce attorneys staff this clinic. Finally, you can seek one-on-one guidance at the Greenwood Family Law Neighborhood Clinic.  For phone numbers and contact information, check out the resource section of  my website at Lawlady.com. 

Write Your Life Story Before You Live It

I did a strange thing this weekend. I bought myself a moleskin journal and then wrote out a life plan for me  from now until age 93- at which age I decided I would die a peaceful and natural death.  Odd huh?

I got the idea from a friend who is planning a "Come as you Plan to Be in 2008" party.  She got the idea from the book The Success Principles by Jack Canfield. "   Evidently, as Mr. Canfield writes, it can be extremely motivating to attend a party outfitted with the indicia of success you plan to achieve down the road. Imagine little boy acting out the Academy Award acceptance speech 100 times in his youth.   You make the likelihood of it occuring stronger by preparing and playing out your future life role. 

Well, that's why I bought the moleskin.  I planned to write out my five year life plan.  What I didn't expect is that I would keep going. I hit the five year mark, and life was seeming so joyful and successful, I didn't want to stop.  I took myself out to 93.  What I wasn't expecting is that the writing would take off.  By 50 my life was a  mini docu-drama.  Clearly a creative urge had taken over.  But an important bi-product of this four hour exercise was that I could see clearly how a person can get oneself into life jams.  We head out in one direction and then keep going. At some point, we hit a snow back and only then begin to ask the question:  How did I get to this ill-feeling present condition?   

I highly suggest you try this exercise. Start out where you are now and write what you can logically and actually accomplish in 2006, then do the same for 2007, building on the choices you've already committed to.  My guess is that you you might come to the point- like I did-  of hard choices where you can't have it all.

Writing can be a devilish activity leading us to hidden urges we don't recognize in ourselves.  I found myself getting pregnant at 48, forced to step off my role as Advisor to the US president.  I understand that these life events might sound a bit far fetched.  But the exercise had the ability to lure me to think large about my life.   We're always going to achieve less than we set out to achieve, so why aim for something  insignificant?  Let the cat out of the bag about what really excites you, and see where your natural next steps lead you, without having to live a lifetime to see how your choices might  play out. 

I think this is an excellent activity for divorcing couples.  Where do your natural next steps lead you next?  And where you do wish to go and do in your life?   It's your life to spend, where will you spend it? 

Please do the exercise and report back. I'd like to hear about your experience with this method of life planning and goal setting.   It was not what I expected and I'd like to compare notes.

More Technology Idiocy

How's that for an elegant and meaningful post.  Still trying to "Tag and Claim" at Technorati, whatever that means, and however you do that. 

FYI-- The instructions could be 250% better, and that's coming from someone whose actually taken a class in how to draft the fine print you read on junk mail, bank literature and the 100,000 other forms you regulary cross in life and ignore. 

Technorati Profile

Deciding to Go to Law School?

Here are some questions, ideas and tips for those of you thinking about going to law school. I prepared this for my upcoming presentation to the Pre-law Club at the University of Washington.  (Sorry the cut and paste resulted in gargantuan type.  It's non-modifiable with my present level of tech savvy!)

 

• The Best Questions to be asking yourself right now:
  • Why do I want to be a lawyer?
  • What is it really like practicing law?
  • Are my temperament and talents suited to law work?
  • When I was 8 years old, what did I want to be when I grew up?
  • What would I do for free because I enjoy it so much?
  • How would I live if I won $5 million in Lotto?
  • If I pursue law school what are the things I won’t get to do in my life?
  • What  is absolutely critical that I do or achieve in my life and does law school get me closer to those goals?
  • How rich do I intend to be in my life and what are the odds that going to and paying for law school and delaying a career for three years will lead to these financial goals?
  • Have I met, spent time with, and like lawyers?
  • Can I do the things I want to do in my career without incurring the costs (time and money) of going to law school?

 

• Things to Do Before You Decide on Law School
  • Meet and get to know some lawyers, particularly in your areas of interest.
  • Attend  some law school classes, talk with some current law students, and  possibly go to a King County or WSBA Continuing Legal Education Class (CLE). They may offer reduced fees for students. You’ll meet lawyers there.
  • Explore your second and third career preferences in case you don’t get into law  school or the law school of your choice. 
  • Read some Nolo Press books about the topics of law that interest you. Nolo books will be the most enjoyable, easy to read literature about the law you will read in law school. If these seem dry, the class reading will be worse.
  • Read Wishcraft by Barbara Sher for career/life planning       insights.
  • Search for Blogs written by attorneys or lawyers who market to attorneys. You can start with lawlady.typepad.com,  Ernie the Attorney, Dennis Kennedy. Try googling for those names and check out the blogs those authors  recommend and link to.
  • Read Seth Godin’s blog. He’s a marketing Guru and marketing will play a big role in your career, if you do private practice (not government) work.

 

• The Most Useful Skills for      Having for a Successful Law Career
  • Networking Skills. Read Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi about how to do it well.
  • Outlook. Most lawyers use this time management and email system.
  • Word.       
  • Powerpoint.       
  • Excel.       
  • Fast Typing Skills.
  • Time Management Skills. Read books by David Allen and/or Julie Morgenstern.