I must confess. I am, and have always been, a head-to-mouth kind of person. If I have a thought I generally say it. It's rare for me to select my words carefully. I like the gestalt of speaking, and generally am trying to paint a picture with words, rather than speak with specificity and delicacy.
My work as a mediator and collaborative attorney has changed that spontaneity habit. I actually have come to appreciate the art of diplomatic dialogue. In fact, one of my favorite modern images is of the Jedi Council meetings the in Star War series. Many different-looking characters sitting down to discuss common concerns. The Jedi Council, in my mind, is much like the United Nations where participants agree to speak in a universal language (mostly through the aid of technology).
Your divorce can be a time to learn the art of diplomatic speaking. It may be one of the first times in your life where you are faced with the cold reality that if you inflame the other side with imprudent speech, you may not get what you want. Tempers are easy to flare in divorce, and the other side no longer has patience with your verbal idiosyncrasies. Your spouse knows your speech habits and his or her blood pressure is rising before you get to your main point. They see it coming.
You are better off changing your speech, if you hope to catch your spouse's genuine attention. Clean, fair, diplomatically-phrased conversation is the key. Here is an introduction to how to speak diplomatically.
Speaking Diplomatically
1. Describe things as they are, not in dramatic, artistic, or critical ways. Thus, it is better to say, "you speak quickly when something comes to mind," rather than saying, "with you, it's head to mouth, head to mouth, head to mouth." Can you appreciate the difference this might have on the listener?
2. Seek to understand and clarify your understanding before you speak. Slow the conversation down with more time spent on clarifying your understanding of what was said, rather than adding your own new thoughts to the soup. You do this by saying, "What I heard you say is XYZ, am I right?" Or addressing what you think you heard underneath the surface. "I heard you say XYZ, but what struck me was that you are feeling ABC. Is that true?"
3. Politely rephrase words that you find difficult or unflattering. Don't agree to certain concepts that are postured in terms you find unacceptable. For example, your spouse may have described your "cheapness," during a conversation about budgets and property division. It won't be helpful in discussing these money issues, if every time the conversation centers around your behavior, it is described as "cheap," something you find offensive. Rephrase the comment instead into something that you can live with. Let your spouse, or whoever else is present, know that you prefer your behavior to be described as fiscal responsibility or financially conservative. As your role in the financial drama is discussed, it can be in a neutral and objective manner, not in a potentially provocative way.
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These three ideas can get you going. The transformation into a diplomatic and skillful spokesperson is a slow process. It begins with a intention to speak with courtesy and neutrality. It is a form of politeness, and as I read in today's newspaper, courtesy and politeness are falling by the wayside in our ramped-up, super-fast society. You may be striving to be an anachronism. But in my mind, in this age of world conflict, it's best if we learn a neutral vocabulary early before we conflict with someone able to pull us deep into the heart of a very nasty fight-- one that will only be aided and abetted with imprudent, sloppy, damaging language.
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