Lawlady's Divorce Blog

Friday

What is your reaction to Friday?  To Monday? Sunday afternoon?  Isn't it funny how we associate different days of the week with different feelings? I remember a time in my life,  years ago, when Sundays were characterized by an encroaching sense of doom that would set in sometimes as early as noon Sunday, if it was a slow weekend, and by 5:00 p.m. if I was particularly busy and distracted. 

If Sundays brings you a feeling of dread, possibly you are in the wrong profession--- not just the wrong job. 

Life gives us other clues about whether we are on track or not.  If you haven't made money in your chosen profession  within three or four years --- I mean good money, money that satisfies you and leaves you with a sense of contentment--- your work recipe may be wrong. You might not be wildy off, just a bit off.  Take for example, the musician who hasn't made it in four-years.  He may be better suited to "making music" in a different context.  Say for example, joining a company where he choreographs amazing beauty from the instruments at hand-- human instruments.  Being a musician can be expressed in more ways than just the literal form of music.  He could be a conductor in human resources.

This might sound harsh to cut someone off from his or her dreams, but its not meant to be.  If you are not experiencing great success in your chosen profession by about the 3, 4, or 5 year mark, I'd bet money that you haven't found your absolute, absolute niche.  Something isn't 100% right with the fit.  The best fit should be lucrative-- at whatever level suits you.  The exact dollar amount that it takes to give you a sense of contentment and satisfaction at your work verys for everyone. 

Here is an example of feeling "amply rewarded" on $28,000 a year.   In this case, the professional- a therapist- had been working over a decade and was earning $28,000.  But this good therapist says, "I have the best job. I get paid to do exactly what I love and I have plenty of time to pursue what I love outside of work.  I make a difference and they money works for me.  I don't need a fancy lifestyle."  For him, the fact he doesn't have more clients isn't of severe concern.  Sure, there are some weeks where he sweats when the new client calls are down, but when that happens, he plans a new class, sends out a coupon flyer, or meets up with other business people to connect and share the travails of self-employment.  His work/life is good. 

Are you sure you aren't 10% to 20% off-target in your work combo, or possibly in the wrong job altogether?    Just as they say with marriage, you just know when it's right.  Do you know you're in the right work situation?   If not, what's holding you back from getting there?

So Many Options

I feel that I went underground for several years. In my early thirties, I was doing the Seattle Therapy Scene and working part-time.  Following a serious breakup, I felt blue and didn't have any urge to do much more than read a book afterwork, or go to a movie on Sunday.   I found it difficult to find anything that gripped me.  When you are in that low-key lifestyle, things move at a slow pace.  Mornings for me often meant having to get to work by 10:00.   Time seems vast when you have several large blocks of unstructured time each week. 

I compare those lazy (and albeit boring) days to what I encounter now. I can't fit in all the things I love to do in a week. I am always negotiating with myself around scheduling.  Sleep in. No. Get to the gym. No. Get to work early and catch up with email.  No. Write and finish that book you've promised everyone.  Everyday many things go unattended.  I realize I'm no different that many other people who are striving to make things happen in the world.

The more you wish to make an impact professionally, the more you are going to get squished. The more committments you make for yourself outside of work, the tighter your life needs to function.  The speed of time seems to pick up momentum.  It feels like you are  runny rather than strolling through life. 

Do you like living at a fast tempo?  I'll say this:  a fast pace gives life a feeling of excitement, adventure, or passion.  If you throttle back, you get life that feels languid, inert, heavy or dull.  The trick it seems to me is to have both aspects counterbalancing one another.  Can you feel laden with task-free time, and also revive with some brisk, high focus time?  The risk of each extreme is that you may stay their too long.  Ever watched too much tv and felt sick about yourself the next day?  Ever worked so much you couldn't shut off the mental motor at midnight?

I'm convinced this dichotomy is a yin-yan tradeoff.  Neither is completely useful without the nuturing and reviving quality of the other.

Today I've had my high octane yang push. Unfortunately, I don't get to end the day there. I have another segment of my work day to go.  How I balance these two is to try to downshift and to do the night shift at my desk in a different mode-- something slow and peaceful, like a matronly librarian sifting through check-out cards.  Remember check out cards?  Something nice and slow, in a setting that's nice and slow.  Work doesn't always have to be up-tempo. 

I've heard someone say that "slow and steady" is the new fast.  That multi-tasking causes brain loss.  Mind workers need to preserve our mental health with a parade of tasks done kindly, not to a  fevered pitch.  We need to retrain our brains to think slow, thorough and gently. It can be done.

Follow up to the Revenge Lady Saga

So, if you will recall from last week, I got the email from Revenge Lady (of www.revengelady.com).  She is writing the book I had hoped to write on Divorce Ceremony.  She had asked to interview me about my work on divorce ritual and we had our interview this past week. 

Before the interview, I sat on office couch watching the sun filter through the windows casting a pretty pink glow.  The office smelled good of lavender and eucalyptus (the Lawlady's signature office fragrance).  A sense of calm weighted me down, as if I was grounded into the scenery.  "I've worked for years to get to this point," was the thought that went through my head.   All of a sudden, the scariness of the past year, carrying a high mortgage for this new office space, seemed small, almost significant.   I sensed I was on the right track with this holistic divorce work I am doing, regardless of some hard times.   

It is a strange effect to achieve recognition for something you've spent years trying to achieve. For me it was a private moment, as most of this career journey has been made alone.  My career vision  that occurred spontaneously 8 or 9 years ago of a holistic law center isn't something I advertise or talk about.  That vision came as a complete picture: sensible, practical, and fully formed.  The only thing missing was any type of road map to lead me here. There were other, smaller, visions that spurred me forward over the years too, always without a clear guide as to how to make things real and concrete.  These visions always came to me as achievable and useful business ventures. 

I'm not sure how many business folks have premonitions about business opportunities. I'm certainly well-read in business literature, and I haven't found any books like The Psychic's Guide to Business Planning and Strategic Marketing,  or, 101 Otherworldly Business Plans-- and the Strange Intuitive Visions that Brought Them Here. 

Did Oprah have a "wake-up sweating" moment as she stared into a dream at the future Oprah Dynasty she was going to someday create?  Did Henry Ford get his idea from a visiting Angel whispering "think  highways and personal transport machines?"  I know artists who publicly disclose the mystical origins for certain works, but I don't recall ever hearing about a mystical business origin. 

But there I was this past week, transed at the recognition I had made something happen-- based on an idea that jumped into my head uninvited 8 or 9 years earlier.   I had created a reality from a spontaneous  picture.   In my vision, I certainly had more clients and greater wealth, but -  as I sat on the couch- I know that I've just finished building the place. Now it's time for the clients to come.  I suspect that the RevengeLady, through her book that is due out next summer "quoting me in a esteemed and favorable light" is going to help make that happen.  She gets 1 million hits on her website per month. 

Have you had a similar "Dream Come True" moment of reckoning?

Divorce Interventions

My elite divorce team, Kithe Collaborative Divorce, is exploring the idea of an intensive, short-term divorce intervention for seriously stuck clients.  I mean the $100,000 plus club.  The clients in cases where the legal bill has crossed, or will cross, the $100,000 mark.  The funny thing is I don't think that these people know that they are members until it's already over.  It is very much like how your zero balance credit card can get to $5,000 if you aren't paying attention at Christmas. It's easy to spend on credit; it's easy to spend at the lawyer's office.

Couples in this high risk category usually share these attributes:

• A history of living well and getting the finest service.
• A background of success. They aren't the type to hear "no" often and they have almost zero tolerance for being challenged. 
• A  scared center; and a fear that the future will be bad.
• A self-centered focus.  They don't see how their behaviors are impacting others.
• A sense that they are better than other people and deserve more. 

These couples get into the ring at divorce convinved that they are going 1) to  teach the other person a lesson;  2) to protect the child from the moster spouse (a spouse they never consiered turning into CPS before divorce); or 3) to make surethat they are going to be taken care of (without seeing how this might  impact the other side).  These combinations of factors can quickly lead to a legal situation that borders on insane.  I'm talking about 6 hour mediations ($4,700 day)  to decide the weekend visitation schedule for 6 months.  (True story).  An emergency trip to the courthouse for $6,000 (total cost to both sides) for an order that says Dad must call the police to force the child into the car for the child's mandatory visit with mom whom the teenager hates.  (True story).  Christmas Eve spent in the car in order to make a 10 p.m.  child transfer at a McDonalds in the middle of the state.  The child will drive another two hours before being able to go to bed.  (True story). 

When the insanity starts, a client cannot rely on the lawyer to state the obvious: This appears to be a mess. We need to try something different.

Kithe is trying  to offer these drastic divorce situations a lifeline.  We're still in the experimental stage, so we are relying on some brave innovative clients to see the sense and try our intervention.  Here is what we offer:

A complete evaluation by several different professionals.  1) A financial analysis by a certified divorce planner. 2) A collaboratively spirited business evaluator who doesn't use the standard divorce formulas, but uses a formula that works for the particular situation.  There's many ways to slice a pie and the busines evaluator knows them all. 3)  A mortgage broker for advice about the best refiance you can have. 4)  A realtor to give accurate information about housing realities.5)  Two collaboratively trained lawyers skillful at keeping you tight to the issues so that you get productive results from the session. 6) A therapist trained in fast therapy to get you to a communicative safe-zone as quickly as possible.

You and your spouse come in for a complete evaluation with our team. You pay alot but... you are getting comprehensive and complete advice.  No piece meal.   You present your situation, we ask questions. The therapist keeps the meeting clean and tight, no stabs or verbal harm will happen to you. You'll get to enjoy the feeling of being together without any threat of abuse or unfair digs.  You'll have a chance to breathe as you share your story with a room of trained professionals who can see through divorce bullshit. 

Two weeks later, you return for our advice. We tape the session and each professional offers his or her recommendations.  You are required to listen the tape three times afterwards.  At this stage, you can choose to continue working with our group, or any members of our group.  You can return to your own lawyers with your new insights.

If my hunch is right, this technique could have the power to turn the $100K Club around. But we won't know until the right people try it.

Do you know of these ripe clients?  If so, please pass the word along about Kithe.  I thank you in advance for doing so.   My God bless your good deed. 

Jealousy

I got an email from the Revengelady (of revengelady.com).  She's secured a book deal from Penguin on divorce ceremony.  Some of you know, I have been putzing around on a divorce ritual book for 3 or 4 years now.  I took the "how to write a winning book proposal" book and highlighted it into a yellow volume.  I never got my act together in any meaningful way to finish either a book, or a proposal.

She got the book deal I wanted.

Gag.

Which brings me to the face off:  How do we respond when others fill roles we coveted for ourselves? 

I witnessed a lovely and charitable act at one of my professional support groups a few weeks ago.  A distinguished and senior professional learned of the fortunate success of a 30-ish upstart.  It happens they are in very similar fields and we knew that the distinguished professional was struggling with a slow down in her pipeline of work.  The upstart landed something that could almost be described as an "unbelievable opportunity."

My eyes darted to the distinguished professional when I heard how this newbie to the industry had just secured a deal worthy of the seasoned pro.  Her eyes glittered with kindness. She gave the kid a nod.  "Job well done."   

I believe she meant it. 

My admiration spiked.  As the weeks unfolded, the pro has talked the newbie through the deal. In fact, the relationship has turned mentor/mentee.  It's a public drama that is fabulous to watch. 

Passing on the torch, sharing what you know, helping someone else get a step up, and all other sorts of assistance, are a glorious form of spirit in action. It makes my heart sing every time I see such generosity and benevolence. 

So why would I rant about the great opportunity this professional writer has created for herself?  It's terrific.   When all is said and done, there's a place for everyone at the table, and when you start finding seat mates with shared interests, the topics of discussion become very interesting.  I am looking forward to getting to know RevengeLady.  It makes me wonder, what will happen when RevengeLady meets the Lawlady?  What type of trouble could we create for planet earth?

Fear

I am not certain that each human must go through the same initiation rites as every other human.  Maybe we don't all need to struggle with the same issues.  But I do think that everyone must tackle fear if they are going to live fully alive.  How is that for a sentence?  Living fully alive. 

If you aren't familiar with the exciting journey of stepping into full vitality, what happens is that  as you embark fear grips you and you can't shake it.  It ranges from subtle to crippling.  It can cut your confidence or  erode your ability to respond naturally and quickly.  Fear can act as a demon  invading better judgment. 

It's a blessing if you were fortune enough to have learned to confront your fear at a young age.  When you're older, the stakes are higher and your blubs carry more negative impact.  Take for example, if you are starting a business. This endeavor includes a good dose of healthy fear for even the bravest.   If you are weak with combatting fear, or worse yet, a virgin at facing fear, you are in for a larger struggle to accomplish your career objectives.

This battle with fear is one of the best advantages to having played high school sports (you got to face your fears at the free-throw line),  or being involved in other school programs (you got to face your fears at the debate competition, for example).   Even  model parents can instill healthy courage in a child.  Remember the courage it took at age 7 to apologize to the store manager after you shop lifted candy?   

We build our ability to face down fear through every courageous action we take. One good choice after another builds character and breeds resilence.  It's a good idea to practice healthy shots of courage to prepare for the day you  really, really need it. 

What can you do to provoke your bravery forward?  Fire someone without apology.  Admit you don't love them anymore.  Take one less bite of cake at the reception.  Return to someone with words of regret. Admit you lost a little too much of their stock portfolio, and there's really nothing much you can do about it now. The list is endless.  Not to meet our  fear is to shrink. We slowly limit our choices, and reduce the amount of things we strive for in life. 

Just like nature, we are either growing or decaying.  Nature doesn't tolerate fence sitting or stasis. 

Without a committment to facing fear regularly and head on you limit yourself.  Sometime down the road- not soon- you are living in your own fear-induced jail with limitations and borders on your sides.

The benefit of releasing  fear is a calm contentment that settles in.  If you've been dwelling under fear for a long time, the feeling of release might be experienced as a love grade fever as you cleanse, a sense of Grace, or a general sense of well being you haven't felt in a while.  It's a comfort that feels opposite to the hot burn and  intensity of fear . Absense of fear can be bland---a  soothing bland, like vanilla ice cream without calories. 

How do you cultivate this bland sense of well being?  Regularly feel your fear and do it anyway.   You might read that book on the same subject by Susan Jeffers.  You don't deny the emotional response of fear, just refuse to give it the conductor's role in your life.

 

Smoking

I hate smoking. You know why I hate it?

Because it is so difficult for people to quit. I know two people who are trying to quit. One wants to and repeatedly goes back to the beginning to try again. The other person said all summer, "I quit September first."  He even cut back to 8 cigarettes a day in anticipation of September first. Well, he wasn't counting on work stress, and when the deadline came he wasn't in a good position to quit.

The habit lingers on for both of them. If we bet, my guess is that next year they both will still be smoking.  It's that hard to quit. 

I think it is one of those challenges that takes a perspective outside of your present reality in order to make a shift.  Making that type of paradigm jump is difficult to do.   Not impossible, but hard. 

Another phrase for shifting a your paradigm to think about what lense you are viewing life from.   These big jumps in thinking are the shifts we remember fondly when we look back proudly at the achievements of our lives.  Do you remember how much you grew that first semester of college, or those early months on your first job, or when you adjusted to parenthood?  Divorcing people are also called to make a mental shift, from married to single, or maybe to married again.   

The shift occurs easier if you get your highest mind engaged in the project.  After you have failed at changing behavior for the x time that day, you can still go inside your mind to program the new reality.  "I am the owner of a happy, healthy set of lungs. No tabbacco company owns me@!"  Try that 5,o00 times and you just might kick the habit.

It's funny, but when you actually settle down and make the shift for good, the new behaviors are easy to implement.  Your mind doesn't tormet you. It's on board. 

A small cure for work woes

Business is not about you. It's about them.  Your customers, clients, patients, or to whom you report such as your boss, your direct report, your vendors.  A satisfying part of work comes from the element of "service" when you leave your own inner-world of needs and focus on the needs of others.  It is an act of charity and generosity.  When your work life begins to feel devoid of zest or richness, see if you can't find a way back to that sweet spot in work by considering othe's first. 

Perhaps your work duldrum could be eliviated by refocusing attention on the person(s) for whom you work-- and we all work for someone.  What do they need?  You may think you know, but have their needs changed. 

I like to start my work down asking myself,  "How can I be of the most service today?"   Sometimes being of service in incredibly easy to do. If you pay attention you may find that being of service is as easy as listening without figeting with your pen, sending someone a pep-up note, or remembering to put a file back together in a way that's better than how you found it.  Often little actions please greater than the big things.  Being of greater service may only take a few minutes of added thoughtful to your day. A big payoff for such a small switch in focus. 

Goals v. Zen

Robert makes a good point about goals vs. "Zen, be in the minute of now."  Do goals facilitate or hamper a person's ability to enjoy the now? 

I remember a shocking moment at age 26.  I had lived my life focused on dream of becoming a lawyer and working for a big firm.  And there I sat, huge office with a wall of windows; built in cabinets that could make an office organizer swoon, money to buy $90 bottles of wine at Friday happy hour, and realized "This is what I was trying to achieve all those years?  No social life, work that crushed me and kept requiring more, and body aches from sitting in a too-large rolling chair."

I didn't have words to describe what I was feeling.  At 26, living in the south, concepts about authentic vocation, and work/life balance didn't pop up much in day-to-day conversation.  Bleak was about all I could come up with when I struggled for a label on my experience.  It was then that I realized, you better enjoy the journey because you may not like the destination. How do you know if you are going to like a new life until you try it?

One woman I know  thought she would enjoy retirement until she tried it.  "I should have never quit work.  It's boring when you don't have work to structure your life around." 

I thought I would enjoy spending a month alone writing a book in the backwoods of Vancouver Island,  hours from Victoria.  I got depressed and literally couldn't nap in the afternoon with the sounds of deforestation occurring all around me.  I heard the trees screaming with the chain saws.  The logging trucks gave me the creepy sensation I was in a country with a war going on.  The vehicles could have been a miliary operation heading out to do some killing.  I fantasized about this writer's retreat for years!

And then there have been the surprises.  I never expected Verve- A Women's Network to come along, and that I would be given the priviledge of writing a monthly column.  I loved the newspaper business.  Who knew?  Same with my dog.  I grew up scared of dogs.  If you had bet me at age 8, 10, 18, 26, 30, 34, I would have placed my money on "No-Dog."  Then I got a vision of myself driving a red truck with a black mutt.  Now I have Queen.  The red truck never did materialize. 

Are the goals we set the best things in life?  Probably not.  You usually don't know the true costs associated with your choice.  Is it better to proceed with no plan? I don't think so either.  Ever have too much time on your hands?  After about one, two, three, fourteen, or thirty days of free time, you risk falling into an emotional crevasse.  If you start getting itchy and planning something next, well... there you go:  giving yourself a goal again.  "Heck Bubba, we don't have to sit here watching reruns of Let's Make a Deal, let's go out back and wire up some batteries to the chicken coop wire."  Voila, Goal. 

Since your mind is likely going to fixate on a goal anyway, isn't it better to pick something lofty and esteemed?  What I've learned from manifesting a  few goals is that  broad and big hearted goals are usually a safer bet:  "Dear God, please help me grow and be the best person I can be.  Dear Universe, please allow me to work in a healthy and integrated manner.  Dear Source, please help me see more clearly, speak more truthfully and withhold judgment more diplomatically."  But is it so bad to add a few extras?  "And don't forget: I really, really, really want all my original teeth at 80!"

Have a nice day.

Stefani