Lawlady's Divorce Blog

Goal Setting by Zig Ziglar

Let's talk about goals.  I just bought Zig Ziglar's CD on goals yesterday at Kinkos.  I'll tell you that store has got it market-base nailed.  I'm in there copying for work, in work mode, and just about the only impulse purchase I'm likely to buy is something work related and uplifting. So, on impulse (and after wanting it for about 8 years) I listened to Master Zig, one of the grandfather's of modern motivation, discuss goals. 

Evidently, there are enough studies out there linking goals to higher performance that the average person should no longer disregard the practice of regular goal setting. 

But here is the place I want to challenge this wisdom.... What about all the things that happen along the way that you don't know about that you would miss if you had your head down heading for a goal?  I wonder if the goal-masters would say, "Find something better, change you goal!" 

But if you are so able and willing to redefine your goal, was it really a goal to begin with? Aren't goals all or nothing propositions?

Here is another question: what happens when we achieve a goal only to realize "Oohhh, don't like this life.  I'd like another one please!"  Or, we head towards a goal unaware of the hidden costs. 

I have a friend who has a goal of being a top computer consultant.  It's become known to her that this requires passing a yearly 40+ hour exam.  "Is my goal worth it with this exam cost?" she contemplates.  I too have encountered unanticipated costs on the road to a goal.   "You mean, to achieve XYZ I'm going to have to give up ABC and do QRX?!  You've got to be kidding."

That's why goal setting can take so long- up to 20 to 40 hours- says Zig.  Here are the things you should be thinking about as you set a goal, he laid out on the CD:  1) what do you hope to achieve, 2) who you will need to meet to achieve it, 3) what you will have to learn to achieve it, 4) what steps you need to take to achieve it, 5) why you want to achieve it, and 6) then the date it will be achieved.  I was driving, so I could be off a few points.  To pick a goal before thinking it through can head you into the ditch when you start encountering the typical obstacles.  Success increases when you are prepared. 

Divorcenet.com and its blog

Divorcenet.com is a blessing for divorcing people.  I find it to be an exceptional site for advice, recommendations, and literature on the subject.  With just about anything divorce related, the site has a flowing feeling in soft, gentle colors.  The way it is laid out is easy to use. 

Just to be upfront, I do advertise on the site... but every time I go back, I experience another sense of amazement at the newest feature they've laid in.  The company shows  a good example of building something from scratch. Get one thing down pat, then move on to explore then integrate something new.  You can literally watch its progression month to month as it expands services while continuing to execute on its primary features.  This month's newest addition is a Divorce Blog where they clip and reference national media articles about divorce.  It's a very good reader service.

However, what I am struck by as I read the collective news articles from their  Divorce Blog is a sense of "ooohhh" (rhymes with poo).  Could this topic (divorce) be more .... poo-ish?  From reading the collective writings on the subject (and from what I can tell it is a wide and thorough search of US media) , you wouldn't necessarily be able to distinguish divorce from any other dry and rancid topic.

And there lies the lie.

Divorce is rich with juicy nuance.  It's a life transition that a divorced person will likely refer back to thousands of time over her life to suck new meaning.   It's impactful at the cellular level and leaves us with messages/clues that can lead us to our essential nature.  The exterior of divorce might be analytic, psychoanalytical, or oppressive from paperwork;  the interior of divorce is moist.  Humane and  good drama.   A vivid and rough journey.   A curious doorway into something new.  Life is turning left and left turns are always memorable.

 

 

Hollywood Divorce

There is an unlimitless number of ways to separate with love.  We don’t see these stories in

Hollywood

. 

Independence

I found my self-esteem, so I worked really hard, joined a gym, lost weight, got the nerve up to tell my boss I deserved a raise, and after enough practice I told my loser, alcohol husband to get lost.  Of course, like the jerk he is, he hired “the best” lawyer, and tried to take most of my pension.  I hired The Best Lawyer and put an end to those over-fat expectations.   Today I am the best I can be.  My divorce was a very good thing. 

Journey

I thought I would die the day he told me he wanted a divorce. All I ever wanted was to be a housewife and a loving mother to our three children.  I baked cupcakes just about every day of their lives. I slaved over Halloween costumes, homemade from stuff around the house.  I put everything into those kids. It was devastating to hear he was rejecting all we had created for someone else.  The divorce was messy, but we really did try to do it right for the kids.  I think my anger caused the process to drag.  It took about a year before the light bulb went off.  "Wow, I really am happier without him."  Who would have known?  He did.  Now I thank him everyday for having the foresight to see something better, and the bravery to go after it.  I don’t live for the kids now.  I live for myself.  And life is better.

Harrowing

My life really started when my wife asked for a divorce, not that you could tell from how I acted that night when she first told me.  I was so angry I drove down near the airport and found myself a hooker.  She gave me herpes that night.  I blamed my wife.  But then I started seeing how blame was a pattern that seemed to follow me everywhere. I blamed my boss for my shitty work performance, I blamed the kids for being too loud, too demanding, too insistent when I couldn’t settle down at night and enjoy myself after work.  I even blamed the mailman for making me miss my workers’ compensation appeal.  The divorce shifted all that.  It was my wake up call.  I haven’t blamed anything on anyone since.  I was reborn by the divorce.  I just wish I could have learned my lesson without herpes.   

The soul is a knowing creature that doesn’t pull us into tough times without a plan.  For all the stupid, dumb things we get ourselves into, the end result is that we are headed someplace better.  Better just usually doesn’t feel so good.  That little seed sitting underneath the surface doesn’t feel much of anything except rot, and cold, and loss of control.  Little does he know what’s coming next.  Unless he asks.  Since no one is around- you’d be surprised how few people ask.

Divorce can be the road to something better.  And that's just one of its many happy endings. 

Evil Scores a Point

I'm in a bad mood.  I just got the report that two children of people I care about were molested:  one by the next door neighbor kid who threatened to kill the family if the child didn't consent, and another by a distant relative who admitted then later denied the story.  Is sex abuse rampant in our culture?  If so, is it the same rate as it's always been?  If the rate is the same, is it just that we hear about it more? 

These were kids of a stay-at-home mom with a deep interest in following their day-to-day activities.  What hope does a two-career couple have of catching the subtle nuances that something is amiss with their kids? 

I'd be freightened as a parent.  If the molesters aren't out to get your children, then there is the drug dealers (the cute and popular 14 years old), and the thugs who see the world in terms of warfare and power struggles.  When I was a child, my cousin was jumped by a girl gang as she was crossing through the cemetery on her way home from junior high school. Back then, circa 1970's, the weapon of choice was a steak knife, from the variety they sold for 50 cents when you purchased at least $30 of grocerys at Albertsons.  You'd have to be stabbed pretty many times to cause huge injury.  I recall those steak knifes didn't do so well on top-round.   So now when the kid says "hand over your lunch money," you need to assume he packs heat.  Good grief. 

I don't like the military much better, although I must say.... I do have the sweetest and friendliest ex-sweetie from college who went Airborne and now periodically sends me updates from the divisions of military that he visits.  It's funny that such a pumpkin purveys such awfulness day-to-day. 

I met a rock-n-roller last night.  A 47 year old band member, that looks incredibly healthy,  fit and rejuvinated.  I thought aging rockers looked 15+ years their age from years on acid and methaanphetamines.  He says he likes to express the dark side of his nature on stage.  I thought this meant he cavorted with evil on stage-- the marionette on the strings of Dr. Doom-- but he assured me that's not how it is.  "It's about living a life of fun, doing what you enjoy most."  When he's not on stage he's over at Boeing earning $90,000 a year in a responsible job.  "I believe in God.  I think having fun is a good thing."

So there are two good people working in arenas that are known for attracting and encountering a dark force.  Add me to the mix, and we've got three people trying to bring some light to darker industries.  I'm sure the roll call continues if we asked around. "I'm for integrity and honesty,"  says the consultant.  "I'm for personal responsibilty and corporate accountability," says the CFO.  "I'm for human rights,"  says the cop.  And there you have it.  Good people trying to make good choices. 

I'm inept with a quote, but someone famous said something about "all evil needs is for good people to be polite."  I think they were referring to how the nazis in Germany were able to flourish.  Good people just kept quiet. 

Where are you witnessing bad things happening?  Are you saying something to give evil the nudge to get out of town?  I'd like to hear your side of things. 

Am I seeing the world too black and white?   Is it wrong to see life so right and wrong? 

Goals

What are your goals?  Do you even have goals?  Have you experienced the weird reality of finding yourself in the moment that you dreamed of years before?

The new agey community believes heavily in "manifesting" - their word that, from what I can tell, stands for making something happen without a big poster board and action items on sticky paper.  "Wow, look what happens if I just make it a priority and intend a result!"

An equally strange result happens over on the conservative side, where people are busily  goal setting and achieving and often make the mistake of failing to make sure in advance their goal is something worth achieving.  Sometimes I wonder if those people I see at the gym at 5:00 are really happy.  They're there.  Clock work.

So the trick between the two extremes is:  _______.   To be honest, I'm not sure of the answer.  But here is something to try. 

What if you were to think of life in terms of swimming at a lake.  A lake with lots of tributaries and little islands and floating docks.  Arriving, you could stay put with your book and cooler, enjoying the day at the lake.  Or, you could set yourself a goal.   "Hey, let's swim out to that dock over there."  Then another destination and another.  Swimming would be the weekly grind getting something achieved, Saturdays would be the refreshing break upon arrival.  Sundays would be when you turned your gaze to figure out "what next?" 

It dawned on me a few years ago that Sunday family dinners are about grounding your week, so that you have a reference point to orient yourself on the journey of  life.  "Wow, this week was long.  So much has happened, and here I am again, right back where I used to be."   Regularity of check-ins help a person better compare week to week.  I see this playing out similarly for the person who regularly watches the sun rise.  "Look the sun is rising yet again.  How different I am today for this sunrise, then I was for last week's sunrise."   

Regular events that are bigger than ourselves act as reminders for how far we have come.  They trip our mind back to the beginning point, a vantage from which we can best view our current project.  And anything that reminds us of where we are in the journey, and where and why we are headed next, is a good thing. 

I believe that the best part of a rigid goal system is to remind ourselves- "Oh yah, that's what I am doing here and here is where I'm  headed" - when we get temporarily mind-fogged and forget our priorities.  Having said that, a goal without heart and room to bend to accomodate life would be a dull march to somewhere.  It's the weaving that is critical.  Weave some life around your goal pole.  Picture of the May pole or a decorated football field goal post comes to mind. 

Magazines

Entrepreneur Magazine

I don't remember ever seeing this magazine before. I saw it for the first time today at the grocery store.  The first article I opened to is an article about how a mild case of a mental health disorder can be good for entrepreneurs.  Asperger's, ADHD and Obsessive/Compulsive disorders can come in handy if you want to run your own business.  One book publisher was noted to say that if she has a busy week heavy with analysis, she'll purposely go off her meds to allow her disease to blossom.  A rush of OCD is good for getting things done with focus evidently. 

Costumes

We all have several thousands, if not more, viable life paths.  The costumes we choose to wear are simply that:  costumes.  I could be a housewife with children, actress, lawyer, coach, writer, therapist, mountain guide, personal trainer, dancer or gardener, to name a few.   You could be a technology consultant, writer, vitamin sales person, hostess for an intellectual and conservative professionals' club, clutter coach or executive at IBM. Whether we wear a grey suit with a thin tie or orange and black is very irrelevent in the big scheme of who we are.  It's scary to contemplate that what we do might not be entirely critical to mission life.  The comforting aspect to this understanding is that any life path you didn't get to select will be with you, at some level, nonetheless. 

Take for example, the lost opportunity to study abroad in favor of staying in the local area to do good work.  If Africa had a special calling for you, you'll get to the lessons of Africa some other way.  You see, the juice of the experience is about how it catapults us to something deeper within ourselves.  Africa might wake you up to the dry, rythmic, or communal aspect of your nature.  Sucking on that nectar of learning is really what you crave, not the primary experience. 

I spoke with a professor in environmental studies with a focus on energy usage.  She says that with the present rate of oil consumption our US car-lifestyle will be severely changed in 20 years.  It has to.  The heavy car/heavy plane usage can't continue like it has in the past as oil supplies dwindle.  She predicts it will shift how people approach their life. 

The American propensity for "experience purchasing" and "experience seeking" will need to slow down.  And that's not a bad thing.  We have an interior world that can provide an infinite source of wonder and exploration.  We could replace adventure travel with journeys into the psychic, and multi-cultural experiences closer to home getting to know our neighbors and communities better.

Have you ever had the experience where a disaster occurs and you are forced to be nice to someone you politelyhave been ignoring for six or seven years?  Now, due to the snow storm and electrical black out, you are cosy at their house drinking cocoa at their warm fireplace?  Boundaries were temporarily let down and you've been invited in.  If we would let one another in more often we might not need to travel so far or pay so much in search of something.  We could find it right here, without another fill-up at the tank. 

Change

I admire people who can change a habit. I think changing habits is the hardest thing to do.  Why are we so governed by the indiosyncratic ways we do things?

We live in an ever changing enviroment.  Every day we face situations unlike any we have faced before.   This revolving novelty requires a fresh set of eyes and a blank-slate perspective if we are to handle life head-on.

So why the habits? 

• To give us control over the environment.   With the environment feeding us a steady diet of change, it feels good to have some certainty. 
• To provide a safety-helmet until we are prepared to meet life undefended and highly responsive.
• Laziness.  It's easier to coast in the status quo then to move up and on.

But to hunker down and stay put is, eventually, the same as stepping off the ledge and going down.  Stay in place too long while the current of life flows onward and you finally end of behind where you started. 

They say that the rate of change is coming faster with the internet, better and more pervasive time-management systems, and  round-the-clock cells phones, pagers and instant messaging.  Even school children are instructed in palm pilot usage and schedule their play dates.  I believe that the survivors in the next turn of our collective time wheel are going to be those people who master the art of the quick change.  Someone who can identify in April something isn't working  and by August have completely turned around their unproductive habit. 

More glory to them. They will be certifiable masters of personal development. 

astrology

Do you find that you are at a meeting and people start talking about the Myers Briggs test?  The typical conversation usually goes, "I'm an INFP?"  "REALLY?  I'm an ENFJ!"  As someone who hasn't tested for MB, I don't contribute, of if I do it's with,  "I'm a Sag with a Libre moon, Libre rising, and a stellum in the third house in Capricorn."  I usually get a laugh.

Why is it professionals laugh when you speak astrology in a professional setting?   Is it the same reason new-agey people laugh when you tell them you are an ENFJ at a democratic fund-raiser? 

Personally, I like astrology better. I think it is the best mapping device of the human personality that we have to date.  I also like the Chinese 5- Element method as well.

If you are curious about your astrology sign, you can have a good chart reading by my friend, psychotherapist Dan Keusal. You can find him at the website with the same name.  A good chart reading can explain the unexplainable blocks in your life or give you some perspective as to why you act like a lemming over certain issues.