Lawlady's Divorce Blog

Want to Kill Something

I just wrote the best blog I have ever written. 

I went to save it and when I moved my mouse, it did something funky and the entire post went away.  I was just trying to scroll down to reach the "save" key.

I have this awful feeling like I want to cry, or push this dumb computer onto the floor.  This computer is becoming slow and unresponsive when I first turn it on.  It's as if the machine needs a cup of coffee and to hack up smoker's phlegm to get it into gear in the morning. 

I'll have to try the story later when I am not inclined to bash the monitor in the face. 

You know, I often hear from clients and colleagues that they're surprised I'm "edgy" in person.  I'm known for being holistic and, I guess, they assume I flow through a room giving off the scent of lavender. 

I might strive for that, but when you work at the cusp of human conflict you need a thick layer of something.  My work takes me into sordid family secrets and strong client emotions.  I'd like everyone to wave sage and sing Kumbayah after a settlement session, but mostly I settle for slow progress on the inroad to peace:  a concession here, an acknowledgment there, a surprise misunderstanding corrected. 

The road to peace is about shifting perspective as you begin to see things from another side.  Since no one cares to consider the other person's point of view, the process can feel a bit... tender.  The peace process is counter intuitive. They client thinks:  "I want out.  Now."  Or: "That woman wants to fleece me.  I've got to  protect myself."   The mediators  says:  "Slow down.  Breathe.  Put yourself in her shoes." 

If you don't head into the heart of the conflict and tenderly explore for its edges and safe spots, you risk stirring the fire of conflict into something much bigger, like the man who murdered his ex-wife in Seattle this week over what he believed were some poor court decisions concerning his children in his divorce.  This takes me to start of the blog.  I wanted to discuss divorce and the urge to kill.  I wanted to say how I can sympathize at least 3% with this murderer.   I was involved in an awful case recently with court orders that could make a lavendar- scented lady think  about bodily injury. 

But it's getting late, and I've got to get busy making amends with my mouse.  What do you think it was feeling when it deleted my best blog ever?  Remorse?  Self-loathing for its failure? Or was it just general stupidity that made the mouse do that?

Remembered Pain

My dog has cancer.

Well, hopefully, after today's surgery we can call her a cancer survivor.  The vet hacked a golf-ball sized sarcoma out of her right hind quarter.  What is amazing is that on her walk tonight she was raring to tangle with big dogs, in her usual style.  She's got four-inches of stitches but she flops down on the bad side, as if it doesn't hurt.

Humans are different.

We remember the pain.  Sometimes long after the injury has scarred over. 

I see that occurring with my divorcing clients.  Sometimes I wonder if the  bad memories carry more weight.  Surely  there were some good times to recall.  People don't marry without some good stuff.  If couples can remember those early acts of kindness, the divorce process becomes smoother.  Somewhere inside the other person is a decent human, and if you treat them as such, you can anticipate better behavior. 

As a lawyer,  it's my job to help my client forget the recent-pain and act as if the hurt didn't exit.  "Give them the coutesy you'd give a stranger," I often say.  "Negotiations will go smoother, if you only carry an average amount of distust- as if you didn't know one another."

Divorce like a dog after surgery.  Pleasantly forgetful.

Getting Jacked about Getting Organized

Cleaning up and streamlining the systems of life and work increase our ability to handle greater engagements with the world and consequently galvanize unseen forces to fill the channels.  Increased capacity seems to unlock attractive energy that starts to permeate the organism or enterprise.  It invites participation from the world, at a deep and creative level. Conversely, unresolved issues and vulnerable systems will protect themselves by automatically and unconsciously stifling new input. 

From page 32, Chapter 11: The Deeper the Channel, the Greater the Flow from Ready for Anything:  52 Productivity Principles for Work and Life, by David Allen, the personal productivity guru according to Fast Company.

                                                                  ____________________ 

I break the spines of books sometimes. 

That's the moment when I really dig in and decide I want to learn something from that particular author.

Often I will buy books with the hidden agenda that I might return the book.  With those books, I don't eat while reading;  I slightly open the pages, hoping not to leave them permanently disfigured and flopped open.   With those inferior writings, I often get angry at myself the moment my greasy McDonald-fingers stain a page.  "Damn, just bought it, and I don't even like it that much."  Just got lazy with Book Buying Lesson No.  1  mentioned above.  Don't read and eat until you are ready to marry the book, so to speak.

But I know I have a keeper when I forcefully, break open the spine and start to do work to the book.  I did it just now with Chapter 11.  "Damn, that first intro quote is sublime."  I'd been resisting the temptation to line and double underline other passages. (I find when rereading new things are more interesting, and the old lines and double lines annoy me the second read through.)

That moment of cracking the spine is the equivalent to saying: "Shit, this dude knows something and I am paying attention!"

At this very moment, I am paying attention to Sir Allen (I like to think of authors as the royalty of America-- excuse me, good authors, that is.) 

If you are feeling out of control, unable to manage your obligations with calm, cool,  and collectedness, get one of his books.  I think he is on to something. 

What do you think he meant by that first paragraph I quoted above?

Let's discuss after you think for a while.  I invite comments from the four of you who read my blog.  (At this moment, I believe that consists of my employee who is paid to read and edit it, my best business friend who happens to be the blog's first and only fan, and the two unemployed lawyers who are tying to learn something from  me  about finding suitable and meaningful work.  Let's just say, the blog has a way to go in terms of readership!!  But I do appreciate the four of you who are keeping my numbers up there at the 7 visits a day rate!  -- I believe the other three hits are me.

As a complete aside to the aside, isn't someone supposed to discover my blog and link me to a site with a half-million viewers per day?  Or was that something I read in an internet fantasy novel?

Take care.

Have a splendid weekend.  Do yourself a favor and do something different.  The best way to break a routine is to see it from a new vantage point, like someplace you've never been to before, even if that is only the next street over on your weekly dog walk. Doing things differently doesn't always involved doing things hugely differently. Just differently.

In the bonds,

Stefani

Collaborative Law in the News

Money magazine- July, 2005  issue,  page 48- writes up collaborative law in a very positive way.  Being a professionally written article, the descriptions of the process are sassier than I've ever seen  before- even the title,  Collaborative Divorce Offers Splitting Spouses a Kinder, Less Expensive Way to Say "I Don't."  The magazine does what we collaborative professionals have been waiting for- they  give some numbers to quote  (albeit these numbers are based on lawyer reports).  The magazine  notes in a stand-out yellow box that "collaboration can save each spouse a bundle in legal fees" with a traditional divorce running $35,000 compared to  a collaborative case  at $16,000.  Yup.  Uh huh.  That's what we collaboratists have been saying for awhile now.  We just didn't have the data to back it up.  That's the problem with innovative things:  sometimes you just have to intuitively believe that it works better and give it a try. 

I got excited last night and put out a press release via PRWeb.com and sent emails to four journalists that I corresponded with a few years back, hoping  to drum up some interest in the subject.  This morning, I naively checked my email and voice mail hoping to have heard something.  Nothing. 

Which brings me to Headrush.typepad.com.  I've written before about that blog; in my opinion,  it's  a must-stop blog-stop.  Well, today on Headrush you can promote your blog/business, or whatever.    So, I am intending to do just that.  I encourage you to put something up, especially if you are doing innovative work that deserves some attention.  Visit headrush for details.

Their work is definitely worth attention.  The blog started out as an ancillary spot to supplement their tech books.  (That's what I've gleaned.  Maybe the blog came first, then the book).  They are publishers but really teachers first.  It's definitely a learning (in the infotainment genre) environment.  I get something out of each visit.  I just wish they would bloom into other subjects.  I'd love to partner with them on some law books.  That is a subject that needs some new writing.  Ever checked out the law section at a bookstore?!!  Well, of course you wouldn't. Who would?  It's deadly, deadly boring that is. 

But I digress.

This piece is about collaborative law.  For those of you unfamiliar with the term, collaborative law is about doing divorce without the courts, or even threatening to go to court.  It works because the process (a series of four-way meetings with your lawyer and spouse, and jointly sharing neutral experts) is designed to minimize stress, and when stress is reduced, you think more creatively; and creativity is the source of good settlements that work for everyone.  The lawyers must drop out if the process fails, so there is a high incentive for "everyone to get it right the first time," to quote the Money magazine article. 

Look for collaborative law at your local bar associations-- it doesn't just apply in divorce cases.  According to the former Washington State Bar Association president, "It's the wave of the future."

Time Management, Time Management, Time Management!!

Once you get over being depressed and jump into the fray of life, it doesn't take long before you hit overwhelm.  Why is it that they live so close to one another?  #@!!

It appears that almost everyone is suffering from the same malady.  I learned today from a "Mission Control" trainer that the  information management tasks of the 21st century are simply unmanageable with the work skills and habits we formed in the 20th century.  His program Mission Control teaches new work habits that better facilitate the proceessing of copious amounts of communication and data.  I'm salivating to take the two-day class. 

Evidently, you can't hope to keep up if you don't retrain yourself to handle the flooding information.  I wish I could give you the five key points to the training, but I haven't taken the class.  (As an aside- don't you hate it when a trainer won't tell you what they teach at the seminar.  If the material is that good, it only makes me want to take the class even more.  I find it backfires when they hide the guts of the course from non-attendees.  If its soooo secretive, it better be good, and generally I'm always let down after the big pre-seminar hype.  Hummph!)

Back to the main point.  Sitting here tonight, I wish I could have finished sorting 15 boxes of old files, wrote the article for the Puget Sound Business Journal, hit the health club, cleaned my closet and updated my recent calls by potential clients. That's not to mention the remaining five client action items that withered on my to-do list today.   And the other big factor:  having some fun.   I said no to three engagements because I wanted to chill and get caught up. 

BUT CATCHING UP NEVER HAPPENS. 

It's some freak illusion that if we just work a little harder and faster the pace will let up.  The truth is:

No matter how hard you work  to get on top of things, you won't.  Instead, you need to begin to think about your time in a different way.  Manage your thoughts about time.  That's how you do time management. 

Think of your day as kindergarten, as Julie Morgenstern teaches us.  You have snack time, nap on carpet time, write the words dog and cat time, and even run around and act like a maniac time.    Just make a slice of time for everything you love, and life will feell full and joyous.   How much or how little you achieve during your designated slot won't matter so much.  You got to it: that's what is important.

I think I'm grouchy because after sorting boxes for a good four hours, I thought I could push on and finish the whole set tonight.  No way.  Not even close.  To find this extra time,  I traded away my fun, exercise and gardening slots.  In then end, this was a very unsatisfying trade.  It leaves me  irritable and thinking  there is never enough time. 

Not true. 

There is always enough time.  The trick is appreciating that reality and working within it. 

Make sense?

S. 

We're Shackled

I have created my second collaborative law group.  My first one bloomed into 60+ members over the four years I devoted to bringing Washington it's first group. Thankfully, I met Rachel.   She helped catapult NW Collaborative Law ( later renamed Washington Collaborative Law) onto the map and accepted by the the Washington Bar Association.  I left WASHCL, as the new leadership likes to refer to it, to start a smaller band of merry innovators bringing a different collaborative dynamic to Washington.

Kithe Collaborative Divorce is a team of allied, independent professionals working together to give clients a full service experience of divorce.   As Robin Gruber,  Certified Divorce Financial Planner, said at our last meeting, "I'm always telling our divorcing clients that  two years down the road you are going to say your divorce was the best thing that has ever happened to you.   I'd like clients to come to that realization earlier, while they're going through the process."  Her cohort and business partner, Chris,  later chimed in,  "We want to give people the  Preeminent Divorce Experience. "

I liked that alot. 

Come to Kithe:  for the Preeminent Divorce Experience. 

"Experience" is the business tool of the week, so says the authors at Headrush.typepad.com, a must-stop blog-stop. 

In the 20th century, we transitioned from an industrial economy to an information economy. Now, in the early part of the 21st century, we are transitioning again - this time into an experience economy. Experience is driven by information, but pure information is no longer good enough - now we need something interesting to happen with all that information.....

Beyond the purely technological experience, we humans can create experiences for other people in a very personal way by really caring about our users, our customers, our readers.  A user who truly believes you care about them is always going to have a better experience than a user who believes you don't. Even just being nice to your users, or answering their email is a great start. Great customer service and follow through are also important......

              Now, the unfortunate thing for Kithe: we can strive to give the Preeminent Divorce Experience to clients, but I don't believe we can actually tell anybody that.  See, lawyers are not supposed to compare our services to other attorneys.  I looked up the meaning of preeminent up in the dictionary.  It means: 

above or before others; surpassing;  from the French word meaning to project forward;  distinguished, peerless, supreme.

We want to be that for divorcing clients because we want clients to be projected forward to a supreme divorce.  But my guess is that we can't say that.  I'm writing the ethics Board at the State Bar to check it out. 

But in the meantime, I like pondering the idea. 

Kithe:  Preeminent Divorce Experience, because its more than just a legal battle, its your life. 

For more information about Washington's first collaborative divorce, my first child, click here: www.washcl.com .

For more information about the collaborative movement in large, click here:  www.collaborativepractice.com, the website for the national group.  

 

The Car Saga Continues

Tristan took the car yesterday and again parked it near Whole Foods, my ideal client demographic.  Rich shoppers with an eye towards organic.  I've call my practice holistic legal services.  I could as easily identify myself as an organic attorney.  Not too processed by the government/legal complex. 

It's business plan writing time again, and I got myself all stoked up yesterday after the official close of work, analyzing the numbers we've been charting at Lawlady, Inc. for seven months.  I've been tracking where the potential new client phone calls have been coming from.  That dorky car magnet has generated 6 calls in the past seven months.  For such an easy task- parking a car- it's an affordable and relatively productive form of advertising. 

Here's what happened yesterday.  Tristan left without picking up the car.  I called him last night at 8:00 to find where he parked the missing car, but got a voice mail.  I wandered around the Whole Food neighborhood, until I found it.   Actually, it wasn't hard to find.  There it was, front and center, at the Whole Foods main entrance. 

With a note.

    "Try to imagine if you had pulled up a bit farther so that one more car could fit in behind you.      Imagine how nice that would be for someone else."

Do you think my marketing plan worked?

Is the public thinking the Lawlady is a greedy parker?  Evidently, Tristan didn't pull all the way up to the front end of the row of free spots, leaving five feet of free parking space unused.  Not enough to fit a car.  Perfect for a motorcycle.  Maybe that's what I would tell the anonymous note writer:  "Hey, there was a motorcycle sitting there when we parked for purely marketing purposes." 

How irritated would the anonymous writer be if he knew that we weren't even shopping, and we left the car there for 4 hours!!   We're causing a certain number of shoppers to walk the extra 50 ft to park in the across-the-street lot. 

Do you think it is unholistic (against humanity) to hog a public parking space for the sole purpose of entrepreneurial gain?  I like to think I'm sharing the blessing of the knowledge of collaborative law and bringing it into public awareness.

In my therapy days, we called that rationalizing. 

Make it a blessed day.  Remember:  you are a miracle of nature. 

Stefani

Success Principles: How to Get From Where You Are to Where You Want to Be.

I had an amazing experience as I opened Jack Canfield’s new book: Success Principles: How to Get From Where You Are to Where You Want to Be.  I had the distinct feeling I was opening a holy book, rather like opening a bible.  The dense pages reminded me of the tightly compacted pages of the Course in Miracles.  The book vibrated to me. 

On a purely physical plane, the book is rich with ideas- the culmination of years of study of the best stuff on the market about achieving personal peak performance and career success. Each chapter is a comprehensive review of an entire body of study:  wealth building (I recognized lots of Robert Kiyosaki of Rich Dad Poor Dad series), business success with reductions from Brian Tracy, Peter Drucker, and Inc. Magazine (although sometimes I didn’t see credit to authors I thought had spread the same message earlier); time management with the same theories Julie Morgenstern promotes.

This book is a masterful and comprehensive review of the best information out there for reaching your dreams, your full potential, and an exemplary life.  The only thing that might annoy you is that the thing is as heavy as a small community phone book.

This got me thinking. 

Was there an easier way to say all this information? What if you aren’t the type of person to digest a close to 500 page book?  Is there or was there some over-arching principle or principles that the slow-reader could grasp onto without having to dive into the deepest realms of personal growth, motivation and goal setting?

I decided there were. 

If you want to be successful/have a successful life, attend to the following:

(1) Your ability to love;

(2) Acting with integrity/discipline;

(3) Expanding your awareness (otherwise known as consciousness). 

In my spiritual tradition we call these three things love, law and light.  Love is self explanatory.  Law means "divine law" or acting in accordance with your DNA and with what is healthy for living in a body with other people on earth.  Light is the light of knowledge, clarity and vision- the type that comes from your third eye when you wake up to the higher principles at play, or otherwise known as seeing Spirit or God in everyday situations. 

Fortunately, Mr. Canfield does not riddle his book with religious mandates.  In fact, he barely brings this subject up.  I’m not sure what faith he believes in- my guess is some form of Christianity.  He is respectful of the myriad of beliefs that his readership might hold. Underneath, I sensed that he was promoting healthy religious values that would be of service to anyone. 

Overall, this book is a wholesome and nutritious remedy for the poor performer, the lazy, the inept, the confused, the striving, the Successful of Tomorrow.  I am certain you will get your $25.00 book fee back in greater productivity, laughter, or free time—whatever is your personal measure of improved efficiency, success, happiness or self-awareness. 

If you were only going to buy 1 personal growth/development book this year, I’d nominate Jack Canfield’s book, Success Principles: How to Get From Where You Are to Where You Want to Be.