Lawlady's Divorce Blog

Collaborative Law Training

This Friday at 4:30 I am presenting at the 13th Annual ADR conference:  Creative Conflict Management.  My presentation is titled:  Litigator to Collaborator, Changing from the Inside Out.  If you are in the Seattle area and interested in mediation and transforming your practice, you might enjoy the two day conference. 

I've been thinking about my presentation.  In case you can't make it, here is what I will be highlighting:

1)  Make no assumptions about what the other collaborative law attorney is thinking.  Check out and clarify the hidden assumptions.  Do you both agree to withhold information about the law until the clients have had a chance to air their grievances and start investigating the facts?  Or are you going to coach your client early in the case as to how the law will apply?  Imagine the conflicts that could arise if one client feels empowered and knowledgeable about the law while the other person feels powerless and misinformed, having been told by his or her attorney that there isn't any need to "know the law." 

What other situations could breed conflict if the lawyers operate from two different perspectives?   What about a commitment for both attorneys to seek coaching if they can't agree or work together well?  We have an agreement to transparency in collaborative law; does this mean that you have to volunteer that your client will begin working hard to get a raise right after the divorce?   Is it OK to disclose this type of information only if asked?

2)  Bad, annoying habits make for bad collaborative lawyers.  Personality traits that irritate and distance people from you in your personal relationships will have the same effect, most likely, in your collaborative career.  Figure out what these are.  Change.  Or at least learn how to reign yourself in a bit.  Examples:  talking excessively or having to be the expert.  Learn to let go and let someone else be smarter or more articulate sometimes. 

3)  As the mother of collaborative law says, "what makes me a better person, also makes me a better collaborative lawyer."  We aren't going to shift into a new language overnight.  Collaborative law often occurs during tense sessions with emotional clients.   People are uptight.  It's hard to practice new language skills in those situations.   It's easier if you've gradually been adding new vocabulary and phrases slowly during less stressful times.  Only the phrases you've added to long term memory are going to be the ones that come to mind when you start sweating it out in a heated 4-way meeting.  Cultivate an appreciation for conciliatory language.  Here are some of my favorites:  So what I hear you saying is... I think we have an agreement on... I want to compliment both of you on well you were able to work through... Do you see where you are in agreement about...  I understand you are angry about XYZ, can you tell us where things have worked successfully this past week... You say ABC, but I'm noticing DEF, can you explain this difference?

If you are interested in seeing my presentation, call me at 206/932-9699 and I'll see if I can get you into my session.  Otherwise, you can sign up for the whole two-day event.  The conference website is at www.mediate.com/nwadr.  It starts this Friday (April 29) at 1:00. 

Symphony Thinkers

Dear Mr. Daniel Pink,

I want to thank you, again, for mentioning me in your book A Whole New Mind:  Moving from the Information Age to the Conceptual Age.  You used me as an example of a symphony thinker- one of those people who has the ability "to put together the pieces... to synthesize rather than analyze... to invent something new by combining elements nobody else thought to pair."  The conductor, as opposed to the violinist. 

In your book, you identified other types of modern thinking that will be an advantage in the new marketplace.  I've been thinking about your theories.

Here is what being a symphony thinker means to me:

"Symphony thinking"  is about being able to draw from a wide range of fields.  It's being an artist of  information.  If my client needs a pep talk, I reach into myself and pull out something meaningful from Joseph Campbell,  Og Mandino, or the latest book I'm reading.  Mentally,  I'm a mini-library of motivational stuff.  If healing is what I intuit  you need, I draw on my reservoir of therapeutic experiences and offer  something useful from there.  But if this client in this situation needs good old fashioned number-crunching.  Alright.  I can whiz at the calculator.   

My breadth is wide.  I can accompany clients just about anywhere they need to go. Sometimes, my services are to escort them over to a person who can help better than I can.  My referral partners will take good care of them. 

I may not be the sharpest legal mind in yellow pages, but what I am good at is artfully offering a wide swath of options, opinions and assistance.  The same is true for my symphonic business friends Laila and Casey. 

Laila gives career advice (she's a vocational counselor), but she can just as easily talk with you about love, passion, and pleasure.  Casey can design your marketing material, but she just as easily slips into making meaningful  introductions to amazing people you've simply got to meet.  Neither limits their services to just the minimum.  They have so much more to offer. 

I think symphony is about offering clients and customers more than just the basics.  Web design needed?  We can talk about your brand identity or the legal trademark issues involved too...

Business incorporation needed?  We can sell you some good coaching services for just a few hundred dollars more.  Guitar lessons?  We'll record your first demo CD on the side if you like. 

Symphony thinkers?  We're wide-varietied folks.   We specialize, but in a board sort of way. 

Mr. Pink, I think you were right about symphony folks, about those type of people who see the big picture and reconcile the parts into a cohesive unit or whole.  However, I think you might be focused a bit too externally.  I think the real symphony work happens on the inside.  We've accumulated so many instruments into our personal orchestra that we can play a symphony if we have to, or just be one lonely clarinet if need be.  On the inside, we are rich with experiences.  Our perspective is textured, not flat.

Sincerely,

Stefani Quane
Bringing hope to a disillusioned industry:  the Law. 
www.lawlady.com

Disciplined Lawyers

Todd Rowden is the best lawyer out of my graduating class at UW-Madison School of Law, class of 1989.  He was one of those lawyers who set his work schedule the first month out of law school and hasn't varied it since.  Up at 5:40, 20 minutes of callastenics, shower, cereal, 6:40 train to downtown Chicago from Winnetka.  When he moved his practice out to Schomburg, the train time changed.  He got to sleep a bit later. His work day has stayed equally as consistent over the years.   

Attoney Jeff Hermann out of Seattle practices the same way.  He's well on his way to being another "super lawyer" like Todd.  Jeff shuts off his phone for many hours a day as he drafts personal injury demand letters. Each one takes about seven hours he says. According to Jeff,  most personal injury attorneys wait until the evening or the weekend to do this essential task of lawyering.  "They fritter away the work day answering the phone and responding to crises  on someone else's time schedule.  I don't want to get into that routine," he told me tonight. 

I see the brilliance in Jeff's plan.  Why save the core of your work for non-work hours?  That only eats away at your personal time. 

I like how Julie Morgenstern - the organizational Goddess - refers to personal time in her book Making Work Work.  Personal time, according to Morgenstern, is where we get balance in our lives and reenergize, refresh and renew.  She believes if you can escape a bit and  attend to your physical health and your relationships during your time off, you will become more patient, innovative, accurate and motivated at work.  Personal time feeds your work life, which in turn  feeds your personal life (ie.. helps you to afford those good vacations or lovely dinners with friends). 

I'm trying to find more work life balance.  Somewhere along the way, I learned to put the serious, deep-thinking work aside until the quiet hours at the end of the work day, rather than buckling down and putting systems into place that would allow me focus time during the productive hours of the day.  I need to break my habit of taking a night or two a week to devote to paperwork.  The hard part is breaking the pattern.  I get into a jam and want to buckle down and work a weeknight.  I fight myself, and head out to play instead. 

Jeff and Todd figured out the sucess recipe early in their career and kept to the simple principle: 

        Do your primary work during the primary work hours of the week:  success will follow. 

Kid Blogging

My nine year old cousin is visiting and she wants to know:

     1)  Is there a kid-friendly blogging site available out there that screens the material?

    2)  What is the best kid blog out there?

Thank you for your help.

Stefani

Contact info on an Email

Pet peeve of the week:  no contact info on an email.  I'm probably guilty of this as the next person, but, really, we must make it easy for people to reach us.  A tag line and basic info such as email, phone, fax and website information is pretty much a business must.

I like changing my tag line out.  Some days I'm Defending Good People Caught in the Dark Industry of Divorce, other days I'm Bringing Sanity to an Insane System:  the Divorce System.  Freshness perks me up.  Same message, different flair. 

Never Eat Alone: Book of the Week

I've found a new gem. Never Eat Alone: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time by Keith Ferrazzi.   

Ferrazzi's claim to business fame is that he's blossomed his marketing/leadership career (Harvard Business School, Deloitte Accounting/Consulting Firm, CEO of a innovative tech company) primarily through networking and relationship building.  My guess is he was always the popular guy and he  perfected those skills along the way. 

He's  identified how to manage a database of contacts, and to continually  expand your network of people.   For example,  he suggests having a wish list of people you want to meet.  He's had people on his wish list for years before he eventually met them.  He'll strategize and develop a plan for how to meet them.  He might travel across the county to attend a conference in order to meet someone he feels could be pivotal in his career or business objectives. 

I give the book my Triple Five Star Rating, reserved for people like Seth Godin.  I'd say Seth is on my list for sure. 

Who is on your Can't Wait to Meet List?

Hum... That is a good question. Who do I want to meet? 

Just for fun:  Demi Moore's divorce attorney.  Who divorced Meg Ryan and what's his name?   I can picture his face.  Dennis Quaid. 

Before he/she dies:  Hugh Prather.  There were these minutes of time in high school when his work jumped out to me. 

People to study with, or at least hear speak:  David Deida.   David Schnarch. 

Odd, random people:  Someone who plays the stand up bass.  Someone who knows about figure drawing.  Someone who is fanatical about peonies.  More surfers.  Someone who can tell me all I would ever want to know about renting, buying or riding a motorcycle. 

That's enough for tonight.

So, I'll repeat myself.  Who do you want to meet, or get to know?  Why? 

What Blogging Gives Us

This is my first attempt at including someone else's work into my blog. I hope I am not violating blogging laws!  I found this quote on http://beyourbestself.blogs.com/online_sales_success/blogging_news_and_trends/index.html. I believe the author was quoting another person and blog.  I found the information helpful too and want to quote it as well.  Maybe the original was printed on Brand Autopsy. Good work!

 Learning through Sharing

Brand Autopsy.

I think this article really gets to the central tenant of blogging and why it has taken off. Blogging at its best is not a one way conversation driven by ego but an transparent exposure of oneself. This risking encourages real communication, real connection and hence real learning.

From 10 to Tens of Millions … Throughout my marketing career I’ve always been quick to share interesting articles with others. On Monday mornings back-in-the-day, I would usually find myself wrestling with the office copy machine to churn out double-sided copies of must-read articles from Fast Company, BusinessWeek, the Wall Street Journal, and stories from a variety of other sources. At that time, my distribution list consisted of only 10 co-workers.

These days I’m still sharing interesting articles with others, but the difference is my distribution list extends beyond 10 co-workers to tens of millions of people on the Internet.

Thanks to the expansive reach of blogs and to blogging’s ease-of-use, I no longer spend my Monday mornings slaving over a problematic copy machine to share interesting articles. Instead, blogging allows me to simply link to the article online and digitally Cc: the entire online world and not just Cc: my marketing co-workers.

Sharing to Learn …
The main reason I blog is to learn -- that’s because I learn by sharing. Conversation always follows sharing and inherent in any conversation is the art of listening and the act of responding.

When you share your opinions, thoughts, and influences with others on a blog post, it will usually generate comments. It’s through listening and responding to these comments that I learn most.

I learn when someone openly challenges my thoughts as it forces me to reevaluate my thinking. I also learn when someone adds their unique perspective by riffing off my perspective.

But before you can share to learn, you must learn to share.

Learning to Share …
Too many times we find it easier to keep our opinions, thoughts, and influences to ourselves. Blogging requires you to tear down barriers and be more transparent in sharing with others what you are passionate about.

The act of blogging has been characterized by some as being egotistical selfish musings. I could not disagree more.

Blogging is as selfless an act one can do. To blog is to be transparent. To blog is to open oneself up to being judged. To blog is to share. And to share is to learn.

The Virtuous Cycle of Sharing and Learning …
Blogging’s virtuous cycle of sharing to learn and learning to share has transformed how I receive information and how I am inspired by information. I credit this virtuous cycle to helping me make sharper, more strategic business decisions and in helping me to become a more consistent marketing mentor to others.

I invite you to join this conversation because the more people share, the more we all will learn.

If you are already blogging, I ask you to blog more often. If you haven’t started blogging, I ask you to begin. Together, we can make this virtuous cycle even more virtuous when more of us share to learn and more of us learn to share.

Posted on March 28, 2005 in Blogging News And Trends  | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Developing a Referral Community

I hosted a party after work today.  I called it a "referral partner party."  I invited about 170 people to attend. These invitees are the people I think of as beloning to my "networking community."    They are comprised of  the lawyers that I like best, professionals I admire, people who refer cases to me, people that I feel comfortable with and enjoy.  I didn't invite clients.  I hosted a party (dismal affair) for them last week.   

I recalled thinking during the party that I was surprised who attended.   "These are all people I really enjoy."   As I am typing here at the computer just now, I shake my head and say, "no duh."   I invited people I really enjoy,  so of course the attendees would be a group  I like.  No brainer.

Our referral network  grows from those people who make up our personal fan-base.  Networking and building a business is really about expanding the circle of people who 1) think highly of us and 2) speak often about  us.

I get jealous periodically of this one woman attorney that I know.  I catch myself being  envious at her larger, more lucrative practice.  "Wah,"  I sputter like a pouty child.  "I should have as many clients as her.  I market better."  But the reality is... she is better planted into a community than I am.  She's in the mom community and has been for many years.  She's well known in 1) her neighborhood, 2) the school system where her kids have attended for years, 3)  little league, 4) the church, and 5) the Boeing Company where her husband has worked forever.   Repeat exposure has helped this  meek,  adequate attorney, develop a  career-supporting  network.   I doubt her network considers itself to be a "networking group."  Heck, most of her friends and acquaintances probably don't consider themselves to be in a networking group.  But the end results are the same- if not better- then the results I achieve through harder networking efforts.   
My word of advice to growing practitioners:  avoid jumping around too much as you try to develop a career  network.   Build a  network based on who you already know who supports your career. Con't radically recreate your networking affliations too often. Each time you do, you lose momentum. 

Better yet, I'm reminded of a song I learned from Brownies:  "Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver the other gold."  Expand into new networking ventures and groups that offer more targeted demographics, without losing connections you've already begun to foster.  The goal is to develop a well or resoirvoir of people with good will towards you.. If you constantly let go of your positioning in the world, in favor of new and  better positioning, you risk changing so abruptly that you  find yourself constantly in need of  regenating  work leads for yourself. 

In marketing, staying steady is good.   

Bad Credit Demerit

Shit. I'm pissed. 

I just got the credit alert from TrueCredit.  I got my first delinqent mortgage payment ding in .... what?  Ever?  7 years?  I hate to think what this will do to my credit rating. I'm meticulous about that score. 

Part of the problem is that I now own a few rental properties and have quite a few mortgage payments, all due at different times of the month. I hired a new bookkeeper this January, the same month I started getting new mortgage statements that I wasn't familar with.  I wasn't solid in my payment system and over looked that this one payment wasn't made.  The bookeeper told me she would inform me when payments were due, but... I changed mailing addresses, I didn't get the statement,  and she didn't know of this outstanding bill. $#!$#  I want to swear a bunch.  Blaim everyone. Get all pissy.

But the truth is ... the credit reporting system worked just great.  I am wobbling a bit financially as I acclimate to this new level of business overhead.  For those of you new to me or this webblog, I purchased a business property in December 2004 to house my law practice, Lawlady, Inc.  It's a beautiful older Tudor in the heart of the  Roosevelt neighborhood in Seattle.  I was always a "low overhead" kind of lawyer until I stretched into this new obligation.  The credit reporting system caught me as I tried to scale an economic hurdle to which I wasn't accustomed. I faltered a bit on this financial precipice/adventure.  Oh well.  Demerit earned.

Learning Lesson:  Treat your credit score like a personal report card.  I just got a "C". 

Do you get enough report cards in your life? I think they are important and  we don't get enough of them.  Check out your financial report card.  Order a credit score from TrueCredit.com today.  Are you getting A's in finance?

Some Very Necessary Vital Facts about Divorce

I was all ready to get out the door and a wave of guilt crushed over me.  I'm worried my last few blogs were a bit racey.  See, I'm a  sensible family law attorney by day, Sagitarian Sun by night.  Good grades during law school.  Top honors during college. Gave up Rhode Island School of design for a more conservative education (BA University of Washington, JD University of Wisconsin). I don't feel comfortable ending the the blogging evening without writing something useful and smart.  Here it is.

Your divorce deal will be one of the most important contracts you enter into.  It will likely carry as high a price tag as the major purchases of your life. 

That's why it is CRITICAL that you and your spouse figure out a way to come to resolution on your own.  A judge will never  be able to make as good a decision for the two of you as you can make for yourself. Never.

And what is  important to understand is that how  the law would decide your fate in your jurisdiction is irrelevent.  "What would happen at court" means... what happened in another law suit where there was a winner and loser (which meant someone felt that result was an inacurrate result), possibly one or two incompetant lawyers, possibly an  imcompentant judge, and possibly some wacked-out statute overlaying the entire process. Tell me, how often have you felt the legislature crafted some piece of civil law that really worked for your particular situation.  My guess is rarely.   But  many people do sing the praises of mediation and collaboration. 

Are you aware that a divorce can easily cost $15,000 to $125,000 for a family. Lawyers often take liens against the family home to fund the family feud. Mediation and collaboration can cost a fraction of this. 

If you start a divorce with a nasty opening move, often times its impossible to go back to friendlier times.  What happens typically is that someone is  pissed  and wants to fire off a pre-emptory strike.  It's called a "motion for temporary order" in Seattle where I practice.  Both  lawyers write  one-sided declarations for you, your spouse, your friends and your family to sign.  They are often filled with snide or embellished statements.  These go into the court file possibly open to your children or the public  to read now or years down the road.  Great.  Your private life readig like some National Enquirer article.  The unfortunate thing is:  so often the episodes written about in declarations were about episodes taken out of context.  They describe once in a life time poor choices, not the good stuff that got you into the marriage to begin with.  These nasty-gram declarations are hard to forget and sometimes caused people to take intractable positions that later makes settlement or mediation sessions much more difficult.  The harm is done.

So, if you are sitting out there in Internet land, and have come across this blog, please pass it along (typos, mispellings and grammar run-ons aside) to someone who stands at that divorce juncture contemplating fight, flight or nap.  I suggest a nap.   Tomorrow might be a better day, and hurts might slip away.  That nap choice might save some family $97,500 in attorney fees. 

That's it for the night.  I've partially asuaged my guilt about putting saucy stuff in earlier blogs tonight.    This blog is serious. We must divorce differently.   But the decision to divorce differently happens way earlier, just about the time you say "I do."  We need to get people over the mental mind-field that divorce must be difficult.  It doesn't have to be. But in order for divorce to go differently, both parties need to see that another, less litigious, alternative exists. 

Take care,

Lawlady Stefani Quane
Bringing Light to the Dark Industry of Divorce
One Collaborative Settlement at a Time
See www.lawlady.com for further details.
Seattle, WA

PS. I'll proofread this some other day. I've really got to get home.