Lawlady's Divorce Blog: Divorce Ritual

A few years back the concept of divorce ritual blipped across America's radar screen. I think the reason divorce ritual and ceremony broke through into public conciousness was that a few brave souls dissolved the cultural molasses and started to really feel during their divorce. Not only did they grieve the loss of hope, and move through their resentment and anger at partners who dissappointed; they braved the fear of moving into an unknown future, and suffered the agony of second guessing self. They stuck with the hard emotions of break up until they emerged into that other realm, that exalted place where you get a bird's eye view of your gorgious humanity, fuck ups and all.

I followed the trend in divorce ritual. I liked hearing about my client rituals, I liked getting invited to them. I had a personal interest in the intimate aspects of sacred divorce. Mainly this flowed from my personal knife-like experiences ending important relationships. My personal life was not so different from my client's lives, as I too struggled to find a place of nobleness in the rubble of a damaged and broken relationship.

Ritual and ceremony allows us to levitate the bitterness and ugliness of our breakup or divorce into something more sublime, something more transcendent. But reaching a place where you are capable of having a transcendent ritual is likely not the first, second or third step in the dissolution process. It's more the culmination or the resting place we get to or give ourselves during the hard time of living we call divorce.

For these exhaulted times (which ritual can be), ancient traditions assist us in entering a more appreciative, soulful, integrative state of awareness. Ritual has been practiced and honed by different cultures through out human development.

Here are elements you might want to incorporate into your own breakup or divorce ceremony. It's a mix and match system. But the main feature is you create a meaningful closure ceremony and facilitate closing the relationship circle through focused intent. Adding other acoutrements such as sound, imagery, friends, and activities only heightens our ability to focus and to connect to the centrifugal universal force that assists us in healing and provoking our spirits foward.

Things To Try When Custom Crafting Your Divorce Ceremony

Sound. Music, singing. Silence. Chanting. Poems. Book passages. Love letters. Wedding Vows. The sounds of Source. The sounds that sooth. The sounds that reverberate our central nervous system and catalyse us forward or richly backward to reflect.

Setting. Nature. Your apartment. The place you met. The place you last stayed together. The place where you go to heal. The beach. The river. The Mountain. The Church. The sacred circle cast with your friends and fellow travelers.

Supplies. Food, beverages. Something to make the room look more beautify. Something to signify the old you and the new you. Something to smash to move out aggression. Something to create with. Something to bury. Something to sit on. Something to hug and cuddle. Something to burn. Something to decorate with. Something to leave behind as a gift to the universe.

Friends. Sometimes you ritualize with yourself, or at your place of worship with your Rabbi. Sometimes you gather for light-hearted tenderness with people who don't require much of you and who don't mind if you cry. Sometimes you share ceremony with people who wouldn't understand, so you keep most of the details to yourself. They just come for a BBQ. The meaning slips in through a side door.

Symbol. aaah.. This is the one with the juice. See, as we molt into something bigger, better, wiser or smaller, curls of mysterious smoke hold that vision of new-self. It is our job to catch these sweet wafts of wisdom and intuit the full meaning they suggest. How to do this?

From a practical standpoint, it's recording your dreams. Paying attention to the motifs or stories that perk your ears and fascinate your mind. What pictures keep turning up unexpectedly? Do you keep seeing bunny rabbits everywhere you go, and its not Easter? When you read books do certain words and phrases pop at you? Do you find yourself drawn or longing for something? A vacation? An adventure? A challenge? A mountain?

The motif, image, or metaphor is what gives us that next clue as to which passage we are at in the book of our life. They assist us with the learning lessons from this stage of life. They inpart the wisdom from the flip side of our psychic.

And finally God (or Buddah, or Allah, or nature, or life force, or whatever term you use to describe that deeper dimension of living). We all have a wiser side, a comforter who sits at our left ear whispering condolances and encouragements. Invite this greater power into your ceremony for the special energic boost he/she/it can provide. In fact, this greater power is the reason for the ritual to begin with. When we appease our need, our hunger for accessing this greater dimension, this God, we elevate our divorce experience, and journey into the heart of creation. Our divorce stops being about so much death and decay. The old falls away faster as we stare into the eyes of what could be and what is becoming.

That sacred element is when our life stops looking like a shitty to-do list of moving, making new friends, opening back accounts, and fighting (yet again) about children, finances and career choices. We open a bit and let the light in. That's the great moment in divorce.

A few brave souls have gone before you to find that point of sublime in an otherwise family tragedy of divorce. You too can join them on the other side, if you are willing to work for it. Divorce ritual is very doable. I invite you to this new experience. Welcome.

Comments

Good ideas there. My partner & I broke up at Thanksgiving after 9 years, & we both feel a need for some type of ritual & are taking our time exploring what that means. We're both involved in church & I'm dating the religious education director & it's kind of awkward that some people know what's going on & others don't even know about the breakup. Haven't figured out how to clarify that to the public yet. Anyway, thanks for the good blog.

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